Why I Don't do NaNoWriMo

If you're not a writer or you haven't ever contemplated writing, you probably have no idea what NaNoWriMo is. You are excused from reading further.

If you are contemplating it or are busy getting ready for it, the purpose of this article is not to discourage you. I do not believe NaNoWriMo is evil or even bad. If it helps you get writing, and you are supposed to be writing, then it's a good thing for you. 

I'm only here to tell you why I've never done it or seriously considered it. You will probably be in one of two camps reading this. Either you will stridently agree (less likely) or you will be indignant with disagreement. I've never been the type of writer who fits the norm. I'm not the diligent and organized fiction writer who sits down with my neatly typed outline and writes my daily 500-2,000 words without a moment of angst or indifference.

I'm the writer who, even if she writes an outline, will almost always deviate so far from it that it's ridiculous to even attempt one. I'm the writer who has a mess of hurriedly scribbled notes and thoughts and research piled on the desk and beside it and littered around the rest of the house. I'm the writer who will stare desperately at the screen for two hours without writing a word, and the next day will feverishly write 10,000 words or more. I'm the writer who eats, sleeps, and dreams stories and words and adventures and aches to get them recorded so other people can share them. I'm the writer who hates the details, the business, the money. I would rather just write every waking moment.

And that is probably why the idea of a month to write one novel goes against my grain. To me, a novel begins in the recesses of my imagination where some image of a piece of art or words of a song or another story I read or saw causes some spark that ignites. It simmers for months or years. It slowly takes shape as I consider the characters and their desires and fears. Only when I am sure of who they are do I dare to begin to write. And from there, I may indeed write their story in a month or two. But it is far from done. That is where the real work begins of shaping and molding the words into something pleasing and good.

That's the problem I have with the extreme excess of published books we have available. They're written too fast, they follow the same formula and lose the precious tone of the true writer's voice. They may be neat and orderly and follow all the rules, but they don't pose any questions, they don't spark any imagination or inspire any beauty.

If you have a burning desire within you to release the pressure of your exploding imagination through the avenue of a novel, you should. But do it the way you need to in order for it to be your true work of greatness. Don't just follow the rules, do your duty for November and then never think of it again. If you CAN do that, I would question why you are even doing it in the first place.

Not everyone needs to write. If you don't need to, why clutter up an already congested world of books? Let's make sure we aren't wasting our lives doing something that is someone else's job. Find your passion, find what makes you soar, and do THAT. You'll never regret it.

For me, it's writing. And for me, it could never be contained by a month or a plan.

Five Shows on Netflix with a Positive Message

Christian movies are slowly getting better. The recent "Mom's Night Out" proved it. But they still have a long way to go to match the quality of content available in a secular context.

Why is this? You would think that Christians would have the best handle on art as literature, television and movies, but at least in the past fifty years, it's been sadly lacking in depth.

My personal opinion is that we play it too safe. We impose rules on our art that can take away from its meaning and purpose. Some may be getting an uncomfortable feeling hearing this, but before you discount me as a heretic and a backslidden world-lover, think about the stories in the Bible. Some of the most disturbing stories I've ever heard came straight from Scripture. God doesn't sugar coat the human nature for us, so why do we tend to think that what is okay to read in church on Sunday isn't okay in any other context?

For a story to have depth, there has to be a certain element of darkness to it, because we all have a certain element of darkness. We can't be afraid of thinking about the hard questions, because the world is not afraid of them, and we are weakening our witness when we avoid topics we don't like.

In light of this, for the believer who wants to challenge themselves to dig a little deeper into the culture without sacrificing their conscience and purity, I'm suggesting five shows on netflix with an overall positive message.

It doesn't mean I approved of everything these characters said and did. It means I mostly agreed with the way the theme was portrayed, and that it was a theme worth considering. It means these programs have interesting characters and story lines that make you think about the deeper questions of life. It means that although these shows had low moments when they were way off base, although there are episodes or a scene here or there you might need to skip, when you get to the end of the series, you can say that you are coming away from the show with something positive that does lead you to thoughts about God and his plan for this world.

1. The X-Files (an oldie but a goodie)

I started watching X-Files with my family when I was a teenager. Something about the characters resonated with me, though I had never been abducted by aliens or come across a mutant monster.

The overall message of X-Files is one of hope. It's about friendship, about trust, about not letting truth be hidden, about being willing to consider the impossible, about not being afraid of the darkness because you have someone, even if it's just one person in six billion, watching your back. It's also quirky, funny, smart, educational at times, and wonderfully bizarre. There's a reason X-Files is still around, still loved and still watched and re-watched.

2. Fringe

Fringe is kind of the 2000's version of X-Files. I watched this one all the way through several times, because there was so much to pick up on. It is a work of art in that there are many layers to the characters and story. Fringe is a five-season intriguing and sometimes disgusting nod to science and the universe and everything beyond.

Fringe's theme is the strength of family. Though the show examines ideas so disturbing and has enough slime and goo that you're going to regret that snack, when you get to the end you see how the whole thing was about love being strong enough to overcome impossible odds, and family being important enough to sacrifice everything.

3. Doctor Who

I know, you're thinking I'm going overboard with the science fiction. I should have mentioned I'm a nerd. But honestly, science fiction is a better way to tell a story, at least from my viewpoint. There are no limits, no rules of reality to follow, and that makes it a much easier way to explore deeper questions. I think everyone should attempt to think a little more deeply about the world and all the possibilities within it. I feel like we have more than enough cop and lawyers, stupid humor, sex and reality shows. You aren't going to find much of a message in those, at least not one that isn't cynical or a lie. Maybe it's time you consider worlds beyond your own.

Doctor Who is a brilliant show that travels all of time and space in the box of a madman who has been alive for over a thousand years. You will feel your mind expanding as you consider all the possibilities. The message of Doctor Who is a little harder to nail down, but it's similar to Fringe and X-Files. In all of time and space, love and respect for others is what makes all the struggle worth it.

4. Chuck

Honestly, this one almost didn't make the cut. But in the end, when I considered it from beginning to end and saw the big picture, it absolutely did.

When Chuck was on television, I started watching it, stopped for a season because it got too ridiculous, then started again and realized it got better. There is an aspect of stupid humor to Chuck, and it has some low moments that might not be worth watching. But the theme makes it worth it to bypass the silliness. The character Chuck is one of the most interesting characters I've ever seen on tv. In one sense, he's weak and a failure at life. But as the show goes on and he transforms into this completely different person with depth and strength and honor, you change your mind about him. The overall theme of Chuck I think may have been somewhat unintended, and might have largely to do with the depth of the actor who played Chuck, Zachary Levi, who is a believer who was not ashamed of adding his own element to the story line. To me, the theme was "When you do what's right and honorable, you become the sort of person you never thought you could be." In another sense, Chuck has a very tangible chord of "love is sacrifice" written within the thread of the story.

5. Prison Break

I found Prison Break during a very emotional time of my life. And as weird as it may sound, I think this show helped me process my grief.

I didn't watch this show when it was on simply because it sounded like another boring cop show geared toward guys. Could not have been more wrong! Instead of being the same old, same old, I've never seen anything quite like Prison Break. That's probably why they couldn't come up with a better name for it. They went with the obvious one.

Prison Break is raw, gritty, very dark at times, and doesn't shy away from the less desirable and quite frightening characters in the world. But it was a story with flawed, beautiful main characters who took an extremely difficult situation and persevered to the end. The theme was most definitely love as sacrifice, and I'm always a sucker for that story.

So there you have it. Five shows on netflix you can start watching today and be confident that when you come to the end of it it will stick with you in a positive way. Just don't stay up all night. (Like I did, often, and regretted it ...)

How about you? Do you know a great show either on netflix or on primetime I didn't mention? I'm always looking for good ones, since they are few and far between, and I'm sure others are as well. Enlighten us!

My Journey to Health (Healing from Hypothyroidism and PCOS)

Every time I've sat down to start writing out this story - a story I hope will help readers who may relate to find their own answers to their own puzzling journey - I'm stumped at where to start. The beginning of this journey started so long ago I was still a child in the process of becoming a young woman. The effects of this journey have been my constant and frustrating companions for most of my life. I am still in shock when I consider that I may have reached the end of the worst part of this struggle. The part with no answers. No help. The part where hope for a solution had dwindled away almost to nothing.

It's hard to believe this body can be well. But it's been almost a month since I found the answers that tied everything together. And I feel WELL.

So I will try to briefly sum up what's been going wrong for the past 28 years:

My childhood was relatively normal in the way of health, although I did get sick more than the average child and I did battle asthma and allergies. I suppose it was my normal. But when I hit puberty, my body ... well, the only way to put it is that my body freaked out. I started gaining weight for no reason, and I began to have new symptoms that would eventually be diagnosed as Ulcerative Colitis. After a few years, migraines began, and when I got married and wanted to start a family, I had to deal with infertility first.

My body and my four pregnancies did not go together well. Four body freak-outs (and beautiful kids) later, and 10 years, and I was in a bad place. Overweight, tired, depressed and anxious, I had to drag myself out of bed and face each day, try to think clearly enough to teach my kids and write. I was trying to beat myself into a place of health. Strenuous exercise that drained me of every last reserve of energy, trying to eat healthy, whole foods and take the right supplements left me mostly disillusioned. I thought it was impossible for my body to get healthy. I seemed allergic to the very exercises and food that doctor after doctor or fad after fad or product after product had told me would make me a healthy weight and help me feel better. I had the thought many times that if I could just stop eating altogether maybe my body would be happy. I even tried it a couple times, but it only brought on new problems.

I'm not sorry for the journey. Having those health struggles are what made me start thinking about a healthier way to live. I will never regret learning a lifestyle that has helped my entire family develop healthy habits of living.

But one day very recently, out of nowhere, I stumbled upon the address of a doctor. An integrative doctor who was a five-minute drive from my house. I called her office, thinking it would be months and months until she could see me, afraid that insurance wouldn't cover her fees and I would put a strain on the family financially. I thought there had to be a catch.

She welcomed me into her office and talked to me for over 2 hours. She listened carefully to every detail of my health history and my story. She did a careful examination and decided to send me to an endocrinologist (who won't be able to see me for three months) to rule out more complicated problems with my thyroid. She gave me a thorough list of everything I should be eating and shouldn't. Told me several supplements to help with my troubling symptoms. Handed me the bottle of thyroid pills I probably should have been taking 20 years ago.

But there was a moment in her office where everything fell into place. Where all my years of blaming and berating myself were canceled out. She put her hand on my shoulder, got my attention, and said confidently, "This is not your fault."

So, dear reader who can relate to this story, I'm here to tell you, if you have been vigilantly trying to get your body out of a life-long freakout, if you have tried every fad and diet and supplement out there and still feel and look unhealthy, if you know deep down in your soul that something is wrong with you no matter how many doctors have told you your levels are "normal," IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. I invite you to stay tuned to this blog. I'm going to have several more posts in the coming months that will deal specifically with the two issues that were causing me the most trouble. PCOS (and other hormonal issues) and Hypothyroidism. These are two types of autoimmune trouble that are not well understood or easily treated, but more and more people are struggling with them every day. 

We're going to find some answers. And I'm going to tell you, that even though I am only beginning my journey to wellness, after one month of following her instructions (to the letter) I have lost an entire clothes size. That may not sound amazing unless you, like me, have tried everything in vain and still feel swollen and uncomfortable in your body. I have never lost weight so painlessly in my life, and I've been trying to lose weight for most of my life. Something is working here. And if it can work for me, it can work for anyone.

So follow my blog and check back. Sign up on the email list. We're going to talk about specific symptoms, diet, supplements and even how our attitude will affect our ability to get well. 

I'm not there yet. Neither are you. But we're going to get there together. I'd love to hear your thoughts or your stories. Let me know in the comments what you've been dealing with and what answers you are hoping to find.

Mission Impossible: Motherhood

These are the four people who I spend the most time with. I never thought I could love anyone with the intensity and passion that I love these four people. I never understood how love can be an ache until I loved these four. I know all about them. I carefully consider every aspect of their personality, I obsess over how I can help them achieve their goals and dreams. I hurt when they hurt and I rejoice when they rejoice.

But these four people aren't perfect. They fight. They are LOUD. They disobey, they don't try hard enough, they get distracted from what they should be doing, and they pout and stomp around. Some days, like today, loving them is hard. It's a chore. 

I don't think I understood what motherhood would really be like. I always wanted to be a mom. It was even more important to me than my writing or music. I pleaded with God to give me these two girls and two boys. And he answered my prayer. He answered my prayer! I don't know how I could ever say thank you adequately to express how grateful I am to be their mom.

But I've come to that point in my life where the dream isn't all it was cracked up to be. My emotions and level of calm are being twisted in different directions by hormones and approaching 40 and trying to keep up and do everything well. That's the hardest part. Doing everything I'm supposed to do WELL. 

I wake up in the morning feeling overwhelmed by the tasks ahead. I go to bed at night with a desperate prayer that somehow, God will help me be kind to these people I love more than anything. 

I pray he will help me be patient. I pray that I will figure out what it means to accomplish my tasks from day-to-day in his strength. Because I've tried it in mine, and I only end up frazzled, guilty, stressed and exhausted.

I'm not alone. Watching the movie "Mom's Day Out" recently with my mom made me see I'm not alone in my misery. Seeing the main character huddle in her closet with the computer, "hiding from the house" rang completely true. I've had enough homework, practices, laundry, paint, stickiness, glue, muddy shoes, screaming, screeching, fighting, and food spills, not to mention vomit, poop, and pee to last me the rest of my days.

But even in all of the struggle, in all my weariness, I'm still glad God put these four people in my life. I don't know what I'd do without them. I can't even think about losing one of them. They are my world, and I pray God will show me how to raise them to love him. 

Even if I never figure out how to make them talk softly. Even if they are still bickering about who's turn it is when they are 25. Even if they squirm and climb under the pews at church, or spill their milk for the second time in a day, even if they stumble into my room at 3 am and inform me of their needs in a whine that makes me want to tear my hair out. As long as they learn to love Jesus, as long as they learn to love others, I guess that's what counts.

Dear Mom, hang in there. Focus on what is important today. Spend a few moments thinking about how much you love those little people around you making you crazy this afternoon. God gave them to you because he knew you alone could love them the way they need to be loved. Take heart, and keep up the good work.

4 Obstacles to Indie Publishing

Speaking as a brand-new Indie author, this painting by Edward Munch is a great description of how I feel when I researching the process.

But the more I know, the more excited I get. The more I knew about traditional publishing over the years, the more frustrated and anxious I got. I spent years trying to get the attention of agents. A few sent criticism, sometimes harsh. A few sent form letters. Most never responded at all. 

When I finally began a relationship with a reputable agent, I was excited. She liked the story, just wanted a few minor changes. I did them, in record time, and waited months for her to respond. She requested a manuscript. She wanted the 90,000 word book printed out and sent to her. I did it quickly and waited months. She wrote a note on one of the pages that she liked it but it needed more changes and a professional edit. I did the changes, had the manuscript edited and printed out the whole thing again. And I was truly happy for her help. Her advice did make the story stronger. But after a year had passed since the original query, she sent another barely legible note on the back of a page that she now wanted me to take out everything but the romance. All my character development, the mystery and the adventure, the PLOT, basically, had to go. As it was, it wouldn't make enough money.

I was floored. Apparently, that's what it takes to sell a book traditionally. I don't necessarily blame the agent for requiring it, but the more I thought about it and discussed it with my editor, the more sure I was that I couldn't be that kind of author. The kind of story she wanted my book to be is the kind of book I think should be banned from the shelves. There are too many of them. They don't challenge the reader, they don't have depth or art. And from the women I've talked to, everyone is kind of tired of them. 

So Indie it is. But I quickly noticed in my new quest that there are some serious obstacles to Indie Publishing as well. 

1. It's hard to find.

I've been trying to find Indie authors who write the same types of genres as I do. (Christian Historical Romance.) So far I haven't found any viable options for me to read and support. There are quite a few smutty romances and not a little science fiction, but Christian Indie authors seem to be lagging behind. 

2. Everything is lumped together.

To me, Indie publishing feels like a huge room filled nearly to the top with books. All of them are screaming to be read. It's loud, it's unorganized, and when you step in the room you're a little afraid of drowning in them. You pick a few up, but quickly realize that there is no difference between the author who has carefully rewritten and edited their work, seeking the advice and editing of others and taking the time to actually learn how to write, and the folks who just have too much time on their hands and spent more time designing the cover than fixing their spelling and plot holes. And let's face it, most of the books are not the edited kind. 

There are a few things to provide a solution, such as Kirkus reviews, but for the Indie author who has to buy photo editing software, professional editing and other programs to turn a word document into a book, it gets pricey. Hopefully as time goes on, there will be more accountability and ways to determine whether an Indie read is worth the time or not.

3. The need to spend time building followers on social media versus the need to have time to spend writing.

Writers write. I've written my entire life, it's just a part of me and the same as thinking to my brain. Now that I've trained to write in a manner that will be useful to others, I can't just sit back on my laurels. I have to labor over the words over and over until they are just right, and that takes months and years. The social media circus is an absolutely necessary but daunting frustration to the time I wish I could spend working. And it's not just Indie authors who have this problem. Traditionally published authors are also expected to form an outrageous following before they even have a single book available.

I believe this is a big part of why we have the formulaic, cookie cutter stories that turned me away from traditional publishing. No one is allowed to be different, to express their own voice and to write for a more modest niche of people who will enjoy exactly the books they write. The only ones free to do this are the fortunate few who have had the success stories most authors will only ever dream of. And I just don't think it's right to limit art to such a narrow (boring) avenue.

4. Art as a business.

The truth of it for me, is that I don't care if I ever make money writing. I would like to cover my costs, but what is absolutely essential to me is finding readers who will get something out of my work. Unfortunately, in reality, the two are linked in our culture and it's difficult to see an alternative.

What do you think? Have you read any Indie authors you would recommend? Are you a Christian Indie author who is interested in working together? Anyone have any tips about social media? Please speak up and share your thoughts, we're here to learn from each other.

And please follow me! If you are interested in reading more posts like the recent ones, I plan to document my journey to Indie publishing over the next year before my novel Where We Belong is released in September of 2015. I'd appreciate your follows and shares. Thanks!

Attention Dreamers: Five Habits of Creative Writers

Let’s face it, creative people have their challenges. Organization, motivation, inspiration – we tend to sit and think until that miraculous thought occurs that changes everything.

But in our world, the reality is, people who sit and wait for genius to strike will quickly fall behind all the neat, organized and self-motivated people in the world. As a result, writing how-to blog posts such as this one tend to be written by the not-as-creative-as-they-are-on-the-ball types.

I’m not saying it’s wrong for people who aren’t primarily creative to write and to help others learn to write. I’ve utilized plenty of their wisdom over the years I’ve been learning to hone my craft. But it seems like creative types have a special method they must employ if they are to be successful in this highly driven, fast-paced society. The dreamers and idealists can easily be left in the dust if they aren’t careful.

So as a creative person, I’d like to suggest the top five habits I have learned to deal with my dreamer nature.

1. Make schedule a habit.

I know we dreamers don’t like schedules and routine much. I’d rather do what feels right at the moment. But I didn’t start growing as an author until I made it a habit to go into my office every day after lunch and close the door and work on writing or writing-related activities for the afternoon hours. Sure, I still stare out the window regularly. I get side-tracked by the busy life of my family going on around me, and some days motivation and spirit are low and I don’t get much done. But that’s okay.The important part is that your brain understands to go there every day, so that it is more a mechanical function than a decision.

2. Don’t try to write without a good amount of day-dreaming first.

You can try it, but I find those attempts never turn out very well. Some writers can outline and plan out their plot and have every scene mapped before they begin a story, and if you can do that, great, but it doesn’t work with my brain that longs to run barefoot through the meadow of the world I am endeavoring to create. Dream up your characters. Ask them who they are. Find out their personalities and their quirks, and most importantly, find out what they are afraid of; what they want more than anything. That’s where you find your story.

3. Don’t let the publishing business intimidate you.

This has been the hardest lesson for me. I’m a timid person when it comes to interacting with others. I’d rather stay in my day-dream world where I am in control and I don’t have to respond to the behavior of other people. In the publishing business, you find out fast that there are rude people, there are jealous people, there are controlling people. The attitude in mainstream publishing is that authors are the lowly peasants and editors and agents are the royalty who elevate whom they wish and ignore and oppress the rest. I’m not speaking specifically of certain ones, and if I was they wouldn’t recognize it and probably wouldn’t be reading this in the first place. But if you want to write and actually have someone hear you, whether you attempt mainstream or indie publishing, eventually you have to speak up and make someone listen to you. So you get your craft as perfect as you can (professional editors are a great tool if you can swing it) and then you confidently walk out on the stage without being called and tell everyone your story is available for reading. It also helps to find your target audience (the ones you know will like your book.)

Another note: It is fine to accept the help and advice of willing agents and editors who do take the time to respond to your work and tell you what they think is wrong with it. But take everything they say through a filter. They are not creative writers, most of the time, but they have their own idea of what a story should be, and their idea is usually based on monetary expectations. Which brings me to my next point.

4. Don’t write for the money.

We are peasants. The vast majority of authors will remain peasants for a lifetime. If you are writing to make money, GIVE UP NOW. Write because you have something to say. Write because the images in your mind have changed you and you think they might change others, too. Write because if you don’t, the pressure of the beauty that your brain harbors will build up and cause a messy explosion. But don’t write for the money.

This is where your relationship with agents and editors will be strained by its very nature. They ARE in it for money. And that’s why they spend their time and energy on their few moneymakers and have little left for anyone else. And that’s why the publishing business is in trouble, because true readers and writers don’t want the formula. All the Christian women I can find to ask are sick and tired of the same plots and characters, over and over, churned out from the writing factory. But to suggest to an agent that you don’t want to remove your character development, that you’d rather not take out the mystery and adventure and angst and everything that made your story a unique expression of your soul – well, let me tell you from experience, that doesn’t go well.

5. Be willing to sell your own work.

I’ve been trying to break into mainstream publishing for years. I’ve sent hundreds of queries, a few partial manuscripts, and a few whole ones. I’ve received some feedback, and the funny thing about it is, they don’t even agree with each other. After you get past the typos and the grammar and have your book set up in an orderly fashion that is easy to read and interesting, it gets very objective, and no two people prefer the same thing. So take anything that is not hard evidence that you have not done your work as well as you could with a grain of salt. It’s an opinion, and art doesn’t have set perimeters. It’s usually the art that can’t be categorized that has the most heart. So be free with your heart. Be clear, follow rules for grammar, spelling, and formatting. Rewrite as if your life depends on it. Make sure that art is at its best before you take it out in public, but at that point, don’t be ashamed of it. It’s you.

Now get to work!

But before you do -would you take a moment and follow my blog? I will be posting on Thursdays. I plan to have more posts like this one, helping other writers find the confidence and skills they need to become the writer they were created to be. I would love for it to be an interactive place we can discuss many writing related subjects. I’d love to get to know OTHER INDIE AUTHORS AND READERS of women’s Christian fiction. It would make my day if you left a comment. What are you thinking about as you read this post? Are you tired of the majority of mainstream published offerings? What’s missing in our Christian fiction these days? 

The Forgotten Masterpiece

I didn't know much about Vincent Van Gogh until I watched this episode of Doctor Who, entitled "Vincent and the Doctor." The information that had found a way into my memory stores was simply that he was a painter, he was crazy, and he cut off his ear.

New evidence suggests that Vincent was not the one who cut off his ear, by the way. But the way the actual story might go does not shed any more noble light on the man, so I digress.

Why go on about Vincent Van Gogh on a Wednesday afternoon when I should be committed to the task of rewriting a young adult time travel story that a small part of my psyche wants to believe will be the next Harry Potter or Hunger Games? Because I get this guy. 

I realize that I am comparing myself with a great artist and that sounds a little self-aggrandizing. I am not saying I'm the artist he was. But Vincent, in his own time and place, was little more than a joke. No one took him seriously. A quote of Vincent's sheds light on his inward reaction to the abuse:

"What I am in the eyes of most people - a nonentity, an eccentric, or an unpleasant person - somebody who has no position in society and will never have; in short, the lowest of the low. All right, then - even if that were absolutely true, then I should one day like to show by my work what such an eccentric, such a nobody, has in his heart. 

"That is my ambition, based less on resentment than on love in spite of everything, based more on a feeling of serenity than on passion. Though I am often in the depths of misery, there is still calmness, pure harmony and music inside me. I see paintings or drawings in the poorest cottages, in the dirtiest corners. And my mind is driven towards these things with an irresistible momentum."

Human nature hasn't changed a whole lot since Vincent's time. Artists are treated as poorly today as Vincent was. It's easy to feel invisible, ashamed. Sometimes I feel like there is no one else in this world like me. No one that shares my interests, my passions. No one else that sees stories in the poorest dwellings and the dirtiest corners. No one else that has a mind driven toward those things with irresistible momentum. I struggle with guilt over giving up so much of my life to something that so far has been largely a solitary experience. It's easy to think it doesn't matter and I shouldn't annoy people with it.

I know it isn't true. The world hosts as many great thinkers, painters, writers and musicians as it ever did. Sometimes they are fortunate enough to be noticed on a greater scale in their lifetime, sometimes they walk silently through life and to their grave without a soul ever taking notice of the beauty that they left as a treasure map for the next generation.

I realize my last post was somewhat whiny and a bit of a rant. I don't feel that agents and book publishers are necessarily the enemy of my soul, as I may have made it sound. That post was frustration based on a year-long experience with one example of that breed that did not go well, leaving me back at the beginning and feeling like no one wants what I have to offer.

I suppose that's my point. I have to be willing to fling my soul on the canvas and reach down deep within me and find some version of the infinitely greater masterpiece God has revealed to me in secret places and quiet moments. I have to give my all, devote my energy and days to the creation of what he put within me, not because it will impress people, it will make money, or it will validate my passion to a scoffing, disinterested world.

Because it gives him glory. Because whatever I come up with will be placed in eternity's art museum as my best offering to my Savior.

That's enough.