In Honor of Mom - a Blog Entry

My mom feels I should blog more.

And so I am endeavoring today to put the many words that swim through my head onto the screen and share them with anyone willing to listen. Even if it's only Mom.

I am thinking today about the modification I've had in my thoughts toward myself - most specifically, my appearance.

I've been trying to be thin since I was 11. That's when I started feeling like there was something wrong with the way I look. The funny thing is, I've managed to succeed quite well twice in my life, when I was 16 and then again when I was 21. Both times my methods were decidedly unhealthy and may have contributed to my inability to get where I'd like to be now. But I'm thinking back to my mindset when I was a healthy weight and both times I felt no different then when I'm not. In fact, I would almost say that I felt more critical of myself.

So I'm starting to second guess my sanitized view of my own motives in trying to drastically reduce my size now. I tell myself and everyone else that I want to be "healthy" and "self-disciplined" and be a good example to my kids. But the truth is, I am healthy. Pregnancy was hard on me, all four times, and two large boys and a C-section have changed my shape permanently. But almost two years after my last child, I'm starting to feel great again. Healthy eating and exercise definitely have given me energy and plenty of rest certainly boosts the effect. So let's call my view what it is. It's pride. Pride and vanity and approaching on idolatry.

So what I'm trying to work through now is what exactly I need to change. I think it's more mental than physical. I have to stop telling myself that I'm ugly, large, disgusting and unusual. The facts prove it's not really the case. Last year, and 40-45 pounds ago, I needed to lose weight. But now, while I'm still considered "overweight" I'm actually the average size for a woman my age. And after two months of dedicated strict eating and exercise, I haven't changed much at all. I'm wondering if my body has found the place where it is most comfortable.

I need to speak differently to myself. I need to pray differently. For as long as I can remember, I've been asking God to make me thin. And He has granted me a lot of great knowledge as far as getting away from processed food and sticking to the foods He made. He's given me the ability and energy to be active. He's allowed me to have the resources to offer my family healthy fruits, vegetables, protein and whole grains.  I have grown in my knowledge of making use of natural products, making natural products, and using nature to promote health and well being. I am incredibly grateful for the adventure of learning all of these things. I don't think I could ever go back to the way it was. I'm excited to learn more. I'd also like to learn more about dress as a way of accentuating my strengths and downplaying my weak areas.

What I'm not excited about is the drudgery of spending hours on the elliptical rather than taking care of my home and family. Of making my entire family eat the same low carbohydrate and high protein foods over and over in some desperate hope that it will make me look better. What I'm most tired of is the constant barrage of thoughts whenever I see a picture of myself that say "You are disgusting."

If this is where I am while living a normal, disciplined, educated existence, than this must be God's best for me. And I have no right to disparage what he has called acceptable. And it's ridiculous for me to strive after and fight for something that doesn't fit in line with his plan for me. Better to be at peace and be thankful for all the dreams and hopes that God does plan for me to accomplish in this wonderful life he has granted me.

Additional thoughts? Please comment. I'd be grateful to know someone is listening. Besides you, Mom. Thanks for being the kind of mother that is always quick to listen.