In Honor of Mom - a Blog Entry

My mom feels I should blog more.

And so I am endeavoring today to put the many words that swim through my head onto the screen and share them with anyone willing to listen. Even if it's only Mom.

I am thinking today about the modification I've had in my thoughts toward myself - most specifically, my appearance.

I've been trying to be thin since I was 11. That's when I started feeling like there was something wrong with the way I look. The funny thing is, I've managed to succeed quite well twice in my life, when I was 16 and then again when I was 21. Both times my methods were decidedly unhealthy and may have contributed to my inability to get where I'd like to be now. But I'm thinking back to my mindset when I was a healthy weight and both times I felt no different then when I'm not. In fact, I would almost say that I felt more critical of myself.

So I'm starting to second guess my sanitized view of my own motives in trying to drastically reduce my size now. I tell myself and everyone else that I want to be "healthy" and "self-disciplined" and be a good example to my kids. But the truth is, I am healthy. Pregnancy was hard on me, all four times, and two large boys and a C-section have changed my shape permanently. But almost two years after my last child, I'm starting to feel great again. Healthy eating and exercise definitely have given me energy and plenty of rest certainly boosts the effect. So let's call my view what it is. It's pride. Pride and vanity and approaching on idolatry.

So what I'm trying to work through now is what exactly I need to change. I think it's more mental than physical. I have to stop telling myself that I'm ugly, large, disgusting and unusual. The facts prove it's not really the case. Last year, and 40-45 pounds ago, I needed to lose weight. But now, while I'm still considered "overweight" I'm actually the average size for a woman my age. And after two months of dedicated strict eating and exercise, I haven't changed much at all. I'm wondering if my body has found the place where it is most comfortable.

I need to speak differently to myself. I need to pray differently. For as long as I can remember, I've been asking God to make me thin. And He has granted me a lot of great knowledge as far as getting away from processed food and sticking to the foods He made. He's given me the ability and energy to be active. He's allowed me to have the resources to offer my family healthy fruits, vegetables, protein and whole grains.  I have grown in my knowledge of making use of natural products, making natural products, and using nature to promote health and well being. I am incredibly grateful for the adventure of learning all of these things. I don't think I could ever go back to the way it was. I'm excited to learn more. I'd also like to learn more about dress as a way of accentuating my strengths and downplaying my weak areas.

What I'm not excited about is the drudgery of spending hours on the elliptical rather than taking care of my home and family. Of making my entire family eat the same low carbohydrate and high protein foods over and over in some desperate hope that it will make me look better. What I'm most tired of is the constant barrage of thoughts whenever I see a picture of myself that say "You are disgusting."

If this is where I am while living a normal, disciplined, educated existence, than this must be God's best for me. And I have no right to disparage what he has called acceptable. And it's ridiculous for me to strive after and fight for something that doesn't fit in line with his plan for me. Better to be at peace and be thankful for all the dreams and hopes that God does plan for me to accomplish in this wonderful life he has granted me.

Additional thoughts? Please comment. I'd be grateful to know someone is listening. Besides you, Mom. Thanks for being the kind of mother that is always quick to listen.

Halfway There Update

So about now I've begun to wonder why in the world I started this in the first place.

Several times I've said to myself "Three months? Really?"

But aside from the difficulty of so much restraint and self-discipline, I've begun to question my motives, which makes me wonder if it was a good idea in the first place.

Do I mean everything? No. To tell you the truth, the Bible reading has been downright easy. I'm on track, and I have to truthfully say that I feel like reading the Bible in 90 days is one of the best decisions I've ever made. I'm noticing things and grasping personalities and times so much better than I ever did at my snail's pace. I haven't felt like it was drudgery, like it was eating away at my time, or like I was missing out on anything by taking on this challenge. God's Word is an amazing thing. The more you devour it, the more you want.

I've also found an incredible music album that has partnered with the Bible reading in an amazing dance. It's called "The Story" and it is simply songs to accompany some of the most interesting characters of the Bible. When I finished Job, I played his song and sat back and just worshiped. It was so meaningful and real. I highly recommend it. (The album and the Bible reading!)

So what about the other parts of my self-challenge? I'm still doing them. I get on the elliptical every day for an hour and a half, and I record all my food and stay within my levels that are set in hopes of losing weight. I do feel like I may have lost a few pounds, though my scale phobia has prevented me from confirming.

I have had a hard time with the financial restriction only because of trying to eat in such a healthy manner. Truthfully, protein, fruit and veggies come at a price. It's been difficult. I did very well the first month, but since then I've started to "give up" to a certain extent, at least with the groceries.

I guess what I'm starting to wonder is what I am giving up by being so focused on the fitness. I'm not planning on really changing anything at the end of the these three months, but I doubt I will spend so much time exercising. Every day as I plod away at the elliptical, I wonder if my time there could be better spent with my children. Or writing. I haven't written anything since the beginning of this challenge.

I'm going to finish. And I'm going to allow the disciplines I've learned to be a part of my life on a regular basis. But I need to examine my motives. I need to understand why I am driven to do something, and whether that is really God's best for me. Sometimes even exercising and being healthy or frugal can be an idol and take the place of the one that I've promised to follow. I feel some days as if I am treading that dangerous line.

A few more weeks to go.