A Vision of a Silent Night

By now, I’m sure I took a wrong turn somewhere.

I try to remember where I was coming from, and where I was going. My past is a foggy memory, and my life seems removed. Irrelevant.

So I travel this path, dark and dusty and rocky. My moccasin slippers seem ill-equipped for the stones and the hills. I see dim lights ahead—some sort of small town? I wouldn’t be able to see anything if it weren’t for the sky. I’ve never seen such a brilliant sky at night, not even out in the middle of nowhere where all the stars that usually hide reveal their presence.

There’s one star that’s particularly bright. If I’m not crazy, it seems to be pointing downward—as an arrow? This is a strange night and a strange place. A prickly sensation passes over me. I would suspect a dream, but it’s so real. I feel a chill in the night air. I smell something smoky, like the remains of a bonfire at a campground. I turn and view a logical world, as far as my eyes can see. This isn’t the nonsensical meanderings of a sleeping brain carrying out the day’s thought garbage. I can hear the bleating of sheep on a nearby hill. The leaves of the trees rustle with whispers when the wind gently pushes their branches.

Beyond that, it is a silent night.

What else can I do? I follow the star. It appears to be pointing at the little village anyway. I reach the outskirts of the small town and wonder where I might find a place to wait out the night until I can figure out how to get home. Somehow, I have stepped into a story. I have been brought here to remember.

“Perhaps a journey every soul must take,” I whisper.

I see movement in a small cave with a rickety shed built over the entrance. I feel a holy pull and I step forward, my heart racing and my soul sensitive with passion, because by now I’ve recognized the significance of where I am. I can’t get to the stable fast enough.

Are you here? My spirit calls to him, my eyes flood with tears and the hair rises on my arms as a chill passes over me. Are you really here?

I almost forget there are others present who do not see this night as a memory. I stop in respect and allow the young man and the girl in the corner to see me before I interrupt.

“Good evening,” I say in a reverent voice, for my eyes have found beauty. To one not paying attention, he might look like any other newborn, with red, wrinkled skin and a head of dark hair. His blinking brown eyes view his world for the first time.

But he is the loveliest sight to me, and before I realize what I am doing, I’ve dropped to my knees. My head is bowed. It is the only response that feels appropriate.

They seem to understand. The man smiles tentatively and beckons me closer. The girl—I suppose I never realized how young she really was until I see the light in her eyes, barely more than a child. Younger than me by decades. She is uncertain and awkward in her movements as she holds the baby. I feel a wave of empathy and sit next to her, touching her shoulder. It is thin and small.

“It’s okay,” I say softly. “You’re going to do a great job, Mary.”

For some reason, she understands my words, and I understand hers, though she answers in a different tongue. I praise the Keeper of this vision for allowing me to know her heart.

“Thank you,” she says, her voice high and quiet. “He is a beautiful child, no?”

“The most beautiful I have ever seen, and I have four of my own,” I say with a smile. I have a motherly reaction to the naivety I recognize in her features. I ask after her condition, glad to see things have been cared for and she is holding the baby against her chest and under her coarse cloak where he will be able to stay warm.

“The midwife came and saw to things,” Joseph explains. He moves away, reclining in the straw, exhausted. His eyes close and in seconds he is softly snoring.

“It has been a long night.” Mary looks at her husband with sympathy. “He has taken care of me. He is a good man.”

“A good man makes all the difference,” I say with understanding, before my eyes return to the baby’s face.

I am unable to speak and overcome with awe. I can only watch him for what seems like hours. Finally I make myself break the silence because I have to speak the question. A question that is nearly cliché in the holiday season, but here, it cuts through my heart with meaning.

“Do you know, Mary? Do you know who this is?”

She turns wide brown eyes on me. She nods. “This is the Messiah.”

She whispers it; as if she’s afraid I will reprimand her for being foolish. Little does she know.

“Do you know what this little Messiah is going to do for us?” I dare to reach out a finger and touch the little fist that has broken from its wrapping and gives an unsteady wave. The tiny fingers wrap around mine and hold fast. He grabs hold of my soul at the same time, and I almost can’t breathe with the love that comes over me—but not my love for him. His love for me.

“He’s going to save us.” Mary’s voice holds an element of fear. She must truly have an idea of the true nature of the saving, though her people believe the Messiah will be a political conqueror who releases them from their bondage. I search her somber eyes and think she knows more than she is confident enough to say. But what mother would want to say it? She has just experienced the powerful nature of love that gripped her body, mind and being. It is the gift of God—the protective blessing of a mother’s love.

But Mary’s mother-love won’t be able to protect forever. I suspect she knows that.

I reach for her shoulders, intent that she hear my words. How many times had I longed for a chance to return in time and speak to her? “Mary, I’m so thankful for you, and that you are willing to do this. To spend your all on this little one, knowing he belongs to the whole world, and to all of time and eternity. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be you right now, knowing the price of our sin, knowing God is hiding somewhere in that bit of baby flesh. God is going to get you through this. He’s going to give you exactly as much grace as you need to do this. And we’ll all be thanking you thousands of years after you’ve done it.”

She lifts eyes brimming with tears. I sense she understands. She gives a quick nod. We sit in silence after that. Shepherds come and go, and Joseph wakes to check on them. Eventually dawn begins a tug of war with the light of the star, and inevitably the sun wins the battle.

When day comes, Joseph packs their belongings and prepares to move his family out of the stable. Their day will be routine, dull and irritating. They will wait in lines to register and pay taxes to a king who doesn’t care about them. They will find a place to stay. In a few days they will walk into the temple and have their son dedicated. In the meantime there will be meals to fix and fires to build and animals to care for. They will talk about money, about travel plans, about friends and family they have left back home. They will make decisions about what to do to care for the little Messiah who has been sent, for whatever divine reason, into their humble, struggling family.

But Mary will know the whole time. She will see that dark spot on the horizon, and she will be altered because of it. How could she not? I see her ultimate sacrifice, and though it will pale in comparison to the suffering destined to come upon him, hers will not be small or trite.

“Thank you,” I say one more time before they walk away. I go back the way I came, toward the place where vision meets dream, and dream meets waking, safe and sound in my own comfortable bed.

I remember the last glance I stole of my Savior. I know they say newborns don’t smile.

But that one did.

Are You Reading the Wrong Christian Fiction?

Recently, I was listening to a group of women discuss fiction. Christian fiction, specifically. Being an author of Christian historical romance, my ears perked up. The general consensus? They had a hard time reading romance novels, not because they didn't enjoy reading fiction, but because the stories and specifically the male protagonist caused them feelings of dissatisfaction in their own relationships.

It struck me as odd, because I don't think that way. If anything, the hero in a well-told romance causes me to see the good in my husband. It makes me feel closer to him.

I learned long ago my personality type is rare, so maybe it's because I'm weird. But I tend to think, since problems with Christian fiction seemed common to all of the women who were talking, that it's something with an easier fix. 

I think women are reading the wrong books. I think the faults in the publishing world have caused an unproductive catch-22. Somehow we got into the mode of buying the books that are thrown in our faces. Who has time to scour the bookshelves for something more meaningful? Maybe the general public doesn't know more meaningful is there. But somehow, the popular books have became generalized, syrupy, cookie-cutter copies of a what a story is meant to be.

I observe. I've looked at the books on the shelf. I've listened to women talk about authors they like. I've considered every bit of insider advice I've received from agents and editors. I've come to a conclusion. There's something wrong with what's in demand.

I'm picky about my fiction. I will only read something that is unique, and something that resonates. Most of the time I can tell whether it's worth reading by page 50. (Sometimes the first paragraph reveals all you need.) I want characters thoughtfully developed and intricately designed, as near to real people as you can get. I want a plot to surprise me, intrigue me, make me mad, make me think, and make me see something in myself I didn't know I needed to take a good hard look at. Authors such as Francine Rivers and Lynn Austin have this down. I know whatever book they come up with I will not regret picking up. This is why, years ago when my calling was new, I asked God to make me a writer like those two women.

The problem for readers is the catch-22 of "same old, same old" books on the shelf, but it's also due to the extreme pressure on writers. Authors put countless hours of emotionally draining effort into their stories. They are rewarded with, if they are very fortunate, around a dollar for every book sold. (Generally, this number is fewer than 5,000 total.) Mid-list authors (most of the authors out there) get very little attention even if they manage to snag an agent or publisher. They do most of their marketing work, try to please by the standards set before them, and generally, as I have observed, their unique voice fades away. They are not able to devote the time to their books required for something to be special, to mean something to a reader on an intellectual or spiritual level.

It's why I decided to Indie-publish. I don't think I can accomplish what God has called me to do with sales statistics in control of what the stories say. Popular books with lots of marketing, unless they come with a name tag like Francine Rivers or Lynn Austin, don't tend to be books that will change your life. And the whole point of art is to change our perspective and our thinking.

So how is this practical for the average Christian wife and mom or hardworking career woman with no time to read, but a desire to do so anyway? How do you find books that are worth the sacrifice you make for them? How do you decide before you begin if an author will be able to surprise you and make you think, and will avoid giving you false perceptions of what your reality should be?

Here are a few practical things I do when I'm looking for something new to read:

1. Skip the author who publishes more than 1 book a year. 

I just can't think of any authors who have started to over-publish (though I can understand why they would considering the little money they make off of any one book) who have been presenting masterpieces. Personally, it would be impossible for me to have more than one book ready in a year's time. Stories with meaning HAVE to cure. There's no way around it.

One caveat! If the author is new, they may have been working on several projects for years, so in the first year of self-publishing, an author might have more than one ready. I mean here that I suggest you generally skip the author that is an established, published author and has been for years, and is coming out with 2 or 3 books a year. In my reading experience, it's just not a great sign.

2. Read the descriptions on the back cover.

Did you know the author writes that description? It's his or her way of telling you what to expect from the book without giving the story away. It's a delicate process that takes FOREVER to write, believe me, so don't just grab a book because everyone else is reading it. Read that description and ask yourself if it grabs you and appeals to your interests. If you can't get through the description, you probably shouldn't read the book.

3. Trust an author you like, but pay attention over time.

I'm ultra-loyal to an author who has taken me on a memorable journey. But unfortunately, sometimes authors seem to only have one good story in them. Or they start giving into the pressures of publishing and lose their special voice. If you notice the stories aren't what they used to be, don't be afraid to move on.

4. Look for the hidden gems.

This is tricky and can be time-consuming, because as flawed as traditional publishing is, independent authors are hard to find in the murky waters of all the badly-written books available due to the ease of self-publishing. You have to be willing to take a chance on someone you've never heard of. If you read on a Kindle, look for authors that offer a sample for free, because as I said before, you can usually tell in the first paragraph. Between that back-cover description, the first page or so, and checking to see how often an author is putting out a book, you can get a pretty good idea of what the story will be like. 

5. If you find an author who is worthy of it, it is ESSENTIAL that you do a few things that will take you five or ten minutes but mean everything to the author.

> Do a (positive) review on Amazon.(I say positive because there's never a reason to slam someone's art. Your opinion might not be someone else's. If you don't have anything nice to say about it or more than three stars to give it, just let it go. You don't realize how critical these reviews can be.)

> Share the link on social media. 

> Let that poor, (quite literally!) struggling author know that his or her words made a difference, because that is what any true author is really hoping to accomplish.

What about you? How do you find great books and new authors? Do you know of any lesser known gems you'd like to share in the comments? Support your Indie authors!

You can also follow my Book Love board on Pinterest. I only pin books that have been worth the time to read, and I include all genres. Here's the link: Pinterest: Book Love

Get reading!

Two Important Ways Authors/Artists Must Handle Criticism

I don't think there is an occupation out there more subjective than the livelihood of an artist. And as the saying goes, it's true that everyone's a critic.

I say this because I recently entered four of my novels' first five pages in a contest. I didn't do it to win. I know by now that my writing tends not to fit in the mold of the Christian publishing industry, and I'm at peace with that. It's why I'm planning to Indie publish instead. In fact, I may have had nearly perfect scores in two of them, except that there was one judge for each that couldn't see the vision.

But I didn't want to skip off to Createspace to format and publish my own books without at least hearing out the haters. Which is why I entered the stories in the contest, because inevitably, 12 judges' comments are going to bring a few weaknesses to light that I would do well to care for before I ask people to take my books seriously enough to pay for them.

As authors, we need to develop two things just as badly as we need to develop strong dialogue or compelling characters. 

1. We need the ability to accept constructive criticism.

Naturally, artistic personalities tend to be highly sensitive to criticism. After all, the very nature of art requires that we put our whole heart and being into creating something that resonates with the soul. We basically turn ourselves inside out and reveal all that might be lurking beneath the surface. This can elicit different responses from those that are watching us. Some are jealous of our ability to be transparent, and they try to belittle and scoff at our attempts. Others are focused on making us better than we are, and they go through, poking and prodding at our exposed souls to point out every weakness that will surely cause us to fail. Then there are some that are encouraging, helpful, kind and understanding about our situation. And inevitably, there's the criticism that is always over-enthusiastic, with nothing bad to say, but that rings as insincere with the discerning and intuitive mind of an artist. To me, the worst possible criticism I have faced as an artist is those who simply say nothing. It's easy to feel invisible in a world of silent critics.

As you can see, there's quite a bit of possibility to receive biased information from others. So how do we sort through it? How do we find the truth in a part of life that is so agonizingly subjective it can defeat us before we even start?

Here's what I'm learning. As I sorted through the twelve judges' reviews of the first five pages of these books, I saw patterns. After I looked past the obvious discrepancies like "This is very emotionally engaging" to the next judges' "The author needs to be more emotionally engaging" (Yes, that really was what they said), I saw that there were things all of them said. And it wasn't always bad. I heard from almost every judge, even the haters, two common themes: I needed to beware of the passive voice and use strong dialogue to pass along information (Easy to say, but one of the areas of writing that just takes a LOT of practice to get the hang of.) The other theme? "You're obviously meant to be writing/storytelling."

So I can come away from all the criticism rolling around in my brain being confident of those two things, if nothing else. 

2. We also need the ability to turn off the criticism that is biased or incorrect.

Here's where it gets a little dicey. You see, the more inexperienced the artist, the more vulnerable to self-doubt we can be. If you don't know any better, you might receive a boat-load of criticisms about your work and feel completely ineffective. A failure. Believe me, I've been there.

But if you're meant to keep creating, you will, and inevitably you start to get better. When you look back and see the mistakes you were making, you can see the criticism that was true. But a more experienced outlook will also reveal to you the hidden motives of criticism that are more murky and subjective. Usually, it has more to do with the criticizer than the artist.

What's the danger in "over-hearing" murky criticism? I'm going to say something I believe more passionately the longer I hone my craft. There is grave danger in allowing yourself to become "just like everyone else." There is an attitude in the publishing  industries that everyone must follow the same sort of rules and create the same stories. If you don't, you will be evicted from the pool of acceptable authors. But art is meant to make an idea stand out. It is meant to draw attention to itself. If your voice is just like everyone else's, no one will ever see the idea that is written on your soul. They'll easily forget you and your work.

For me, this meant abandoning my dream of sitting in my office writing stories that I happily sent off to the publisher and let them do everything else. It's not going to happen for me, simply because I'm unwilling to lose my own voice. But you know what? That's okay. The more I think about it, the more I learn and prepare, I realize there's a whole other aspect of publishing my stories that I would have missed if I let someone else do it. Cover images, design, back cover blurbs, even formatting is turning out to be kinda fun! I'm excited about this new chapter.

But let's not ever outgrow our ability to be taught. Be humble enough to learn something new, even if you achieve the highest level of success an author can manage in this world. The best artists never stop growing.

So get out your computer or your paper and pen (or your art supplies, or your music composition paper) and do some growing!

What do you think? What have your experiences in the publishing world (or on the fringes, or on the outside) taught you? Leave a comment and follow this blog if you found this post helpful. 

Healthy Habits? (Take the survey)

It's all about healthy today!

It started out as a practice ebook so I could make sure I had formatting and editing down before I publish my first Indie novel, a Christian historical romance, later in 2015. For the practice ebook, originally I wanted to share a few tips for others like me who have had a little trouble getting to a healthy place in life. I didn't want others like me, with metabolism and autoimmune disorders that have been hard to diagnose and treat, to feel like they are all alone, or that they are imagining their symptoms. It's been a hard road and I know there must be others like me out there, wondering what to try next, wondering if they're crazy, wondering if they'll ever have any answers.

But after doing some research and listening in on a few conversations, the focus of my ebook changed, and became something I've become rather passionate about. We do a lot of blame in our society. I did it, too. I thought I couldn't get healthy because doctors are too afraid of being sued, too uninformed on the things I suffer from, and too proud to learn new things or accept any ideas.

Like anything involving human nature, I'm probably right about a few doctors. But it took me finding an excellent, open-minded and super-smart doctor who really and truly cares for her patients to show me that the doctor is not really the root of the problem. We are guilty as patients as well. 

So as I continue to garner more information for this ebook that will be available on Amazon early next year, I would like your help. Please take this confidential survey and give your most honest answers so I can get an idea of the general attitude and practices of patients, and compare the results with the frustrations doctors may be experiencing. I believe if we start asking the right questions, we may be able to come up with some new ways of looking at the problem, and perhaps come to a new understanding of the solution that could help us find our way to a happier and healthier version of ourselves.

Thanks for your help! Take the survey HERE.

Do Not Despise Prophecies

In other words, don't be a prophecy hater.

I recently had a spiritual curve ball thrown at me. You know what those are like? If you don't, maybe you aren't spending enough time studying the Bible or you aren't open to the Spirit teaching you new things. Personally, I love spiritual curve balls. They are exhilaration in a life that can seem rote and agonizingly routine without them. I love that God likes teaching us new things. I love that our perspective can always change and that Bible verse we always thought meant one thing comes to mean something completely different.

If you're like the majority of believers that I walk with, that last sentence probably made you uncomfortable. We don't like our rules of belief being toyed with. We use the verse that warns against adding to God's Word to shut off people that try to give a new spin on an idea we thought we already had down.

But Beth Moore had my complete attention in her video study on 1 Thessalonians 5:19-22 (NIV) when she tackled the taboo topic of prophecies. The verses simply say "Do not put out the Spirit's fire. Do not treat prophecies with contempt. Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil."

It was one of the verses that, as a result of my upbringing, my brain kind of stumbled over, mumbling the words without considering them. Because, after all, there's no such thing as present-day prophecy. We already have the Bible. We don't need any new revelations. 

It occurs to me that many times when the church has largely decided that one thing isn't possible because another thing is true, that both things turn out to be truth. This is the paradox of a big, encompassing God who is too large for us to fit our minds neatly around is an exercise of faith - agreeing that he is something even though we don't understand how it could be.

The definition of prophecy according to Merriam Webster has several meanings: 

1. One who utters divinely inspired revelations.

2. One gifted with more than ordinary spiritual or moral insight. (Like an inspired poet.)

3. One who fortells future events.

4. An effective or leading spokesman for a cause, doctrine or group.

As you can see, there are a couple meanings that will make the most open-minded saint gulp back a protest. But is there anything in this definition that makes God put up his hands in alarm and expel a breath of worry?

Now let's think about the original meaning according to the Greek. The word used for "treat with contempt" or "despise" meant to downgrade or make less of something. The word for "prophecies" meant a proclamation of God's Word. It could be a new revelation, or simply restating what has already been revealed in a way that causes people to see it with a fresh perspective. There can be a supernatural element.

According to these words, God tells us not to write anything off. We should test anything with the sharp blade of Scripture, of course.

I think what makes people worry about prophecy is that it's not easily contained or understood. People just know and understand things about the world and about what the Bible says that others couldn't grasp on their own. It's like art. When we look at a painting, listen to music or read a story, we get a glimpse of almost ethereal knowledge of concepts and ideas put forth by "prophets."

This is personal. Some of us have been told our whole lives that our spiritual gift is invalid. (Fortunately, this type can't seem to help themselves and will go about seeing the world the way they were meant to regardless of the shame they receive from others.) But I was always a little confused, because discernment, knowledge, faith and teaching didn't encapsulate my calling. There was always something missing, and I had always been taught to dismiss prophecy.

As weird as it may sound to the more practical and logical in God's church, there are some of us who can see, feel, understand and grasp things others can't. That's okay. It's nothing to be afraid of. We won't "do somersaults in the aisle or sacrifice chickens on the altar" as Beth Moore put it.

You will find value in taking those gifted with prophecy seriously. And you will recognize these people by their fruit, as Matthew 7 instructs. Look around. Look for the one with tears flooding their face at a spoken idea or the words of a song, or even a beautiful poem or a sunset. They are the ones that never quite fit in, that always have their own way of putting things. They tend to be quiet because they know their ideas are new and different. They tend to be discouraged and dismayed by routine, tradition and cliche.

But they are here to help. To show you something God said in a new way. If they have a solid biblical base, just as any believer should have, they won't lead you astray, though they will frequently challenge your preconceived notions. And God gave you an out. He said to test everything. You have the permission to reject anything that doesn't line up with God's Word.

And so do those gifted with prophecy.

Why I Don't do NaNoWriMo

If you're not a writer or you haven't ever contemplated writing, you probably have no idea what NaNoWriMo is. You are excused from reading further.

If you are contemplating it or are busy getting ready for it, the purpose of this article is not to discourage you. I do not believe NaNoWriMo is evil or even bad. If it helps you get writing, and you are supposed to be writing, then it's a good thing for you. 

I'm only here to tell you why I've never done it or seriously considered it. You will probably be in one of two camps reading this. Either you will stridently agree (less likely) or you will be indignant with disagreement. I've never been the type of writer who fits the norm. I'm not the diligent and organized fiction writer who sits down with my neatly typed outline and writes my daily 500-2,000 words without a moment of angst or indifference.

I'm the writer who, even if she writes an outline, will almost always deviate so far from it that it's ridiculous to even attempt one. I'm the writer who has a mess of hurriedly scribbled notes and thoughts and research piled on the desk and beside it and littered around the rest of the house. I'm the writer who will stare desperately at the screen for two hours without writing a word, and the next day will feverishly write 10,000 words or more. I'm the writer who eats, sleeps, and dreams stories and words and adventures and aches to get them recorded so other people can share them. I'm the writer who hates the details, the business, the money. I would rather just write every waking moment.

And that is probably why the idea of a month to write one novel goes against my grain. To me, a novel begins in the recesses of my imagination where some image of a piece of art or words of a song or another story I read or saw causes some spark that ignites. It simmers for months or years. It slowly takes shape as I consider the characters and their desires and fears. Only when I am sure of who they are do I dare to begin to write. And from there, I may indeed write their story in a month or two. But it is far from done. That is where the real work begins of shaping and molding the words into something pleasing and good.

That's the problem I have with the extreme excess of published books we have available. They're written too fast, they follow the same formula and lose the precious tone of the true writer's voice. They may be neat and orderly and follow all the rules, but they don't pose any questions, they don't spark any imagination or inspire any beauty.

If you have a burning desire within you to release the pressure of your exploding imagination through the avenue of a novel, you should. But do it the way you need to in order for it to be your true work of greatness. Don't just follow the rules, do your duty for November and then never think of it again. If you CAN do that, I would question why you are even doing it in the first place.

Not everyone needs to write. If you don't need to, why clutter up an already congested world of books? Let's make sure we aren't wasting our lives doing something that is someone else's job. Find your passion, find what makes you soar, and do THAT. You'll never regret it.

For me, it's writing. And for me, it could never be contained by a month or a plan.

Five Shows on Netflix with a Positive Message

Christian movies are slowly getting better. The recent "Mom's Night Out" proved it. But they still have a long way to go to match the quality of content available in a secular context.

Why is this? You would think that Christians would have the best handle on art as literature, television and movies, but at least in the past fifty years, it's been sadly lacking in depth.

My personal opinion is that we play it too safe. We impose rules on our art that can take away from its meaning and purpose. Some may be getting an uncomfortable feeling hearing this, but before you discount me as a heretic and a backslidden world-lover, think about the stories in the Bible. Some of the most disturbing stories I've ever heard came straight from Scripture. God doesn't sugar coat the human nature for us, so why do we tend to think that what is okay to read in church on Sunday isn't okay in any other context?

For a story to have depth, there has to be a certain element of darkness to it, because we all have a certain element of darkness. We can't be afraid of thinking about the hard questions, because the world is not afraid of them, and we are weakening our witness when we avoid topics we don't like.

In light of this, for the believer who wants to challenge themselves to dig a little deeper into the culture without sacrificing their conscience and purity, I'm suggesting five shows on netflix with an overall positive message.

It doesn't mean I approved of everything these characters said and did. It means I mostly agreed with the way the theme was portrayed, and that it was a theme worth considering. It means these programs have interesting characters and story lines that make you think about the deeper questions of life. It means that although these shows had low moments when they were way off base, although there are episodes or a scene here or there you might need to skip, when you get to the end of the series, you can say that you are coming away from the show with something positive that does lead you to thoughts about God and his plan for this world.

1. The X-Files (an oldie but a goodie)

I started watching X-Files with my family when I was a teenager. Something about the characters resonated with me, though I had never been abducted by aliens or come across a mutant monster.

The overall message of X-Files is one of hope. It's about friendship, about trust, about not letting truth be hidden, about being willing to consider the impossible, about not being afraid of the darkness because you have someone, even if it's just one person in six billion, watching your back. It's also quirky, funny, smart, educational at times, and wonderfully bizarre. There's a reason X-Files is still around, still loved and still watched and re-watched.

2. Fringe

Fringe is kind of the 2000's version of X-Files. I watched this one all the way through several times, because there was so much to pick up on. It is a work of art in that there are many layers to the characters and story. Fringe is a five-season intriguing and sometimes disgusting nod to science and the universe and everything beyond.

Fringe's theme is the strength of family. Though the show examines ideas so disturbing and has enough slime and goo that you're going to regret that snack, when you get to the end you see how the whole thing was about love being strong enough to overcome impossible odds, and family being important enough to sacrifice everything.

3. Doctor Who

I know, you're thinking I'm going overboard with the science fiction. I should have mentioned I'm a nerd. But honestly, science fiction is a better way to tell a story, at least from my viewpoint. There are no limits, no rules of reality to follow, and that makes it a much easier way to explore deeper questions. I think everyone should attempt to think a little more deeply about the world and all the possibilities within it. I feel like we have more than enough cop and lawyers, stupid humor, sex and reality shows. You aren't going to find much of a message in those, at least not one that isn't cynical or a lie. Maybe it's time you consider worlds beyond your own.

Doctor Who is a brilliant show that travels all of time and space in the box of a madman who has been alive for over a thousand years. You will feel your mind expanding as you consider all the possibilities. The message of Doctor Who is a little harder to nail down, but it's similar to Fringe and X-Files. In all of time and space, love and respect for others is what makes all the struggle worth it.

4. Chuck

Honestly, this one almost didn't make the cut. But in the end, when I considered it from beginning to end and saw the big picture, it absolutely did.

When Chuck was on television, I started watching it, stopped for a season because it got too ridiculous, then started again and realized it got better. There is an aspect of stupid humor to Chuck, and it has some low moments that might not be worth watching. But the theme makes it worth it to bypass the silliness. The character Chuck is one of the most interesting characters I've ever seen on tv. In one sense, he's weak and a failure at life. But as the show goes on and he transforms into this completely different person with depth and strength and honor, you change your mind about him. The overall theme of Chuck I think may have been somewhat unintended, and might have largely to do with the depth of the actor who played Chuck, Zachary Levi, who is a believer who was not ashamed of adding his own element to the story line. To me, the theme was "When you do what's right and honorable, you become the sort of person you never thought you could be." In another sense, Chuck has a very tangible chord of "love is sacrifice" written within the thread of the story.

5. Prison Break

I found Prison Break during a very emotional time of my life. And as weird as it may sound, I think this show helped me process my grief.

I didn't watch this show when it was on simply because it sounded like another boring cop show geared toward guys. Could not have been more wrong! Instead of being the same old, same old, I've never seen anything quite like Prison Break. That's probably why they couldn't come up with a better name for it. They went with the obvious one.

Prison Break is raw, gritty, very dark at times, and doesn't shy away from the less desirable and quite frightening characters in the world. But it was a story with flawed, beautiful main characters who took an extremely difficult situation and persevered to the end. The theme was most definitely love as sacrifice, and I'm always a sucker for that story.

So there you have it. Five shows on netflix you can start watching today and be confident that when you come to the end of it it will stick with you in a positive way. Just don't stay up all night. (Like I did, often, and regretted it ...)

How about you? Do you know a great show either on netflix or on primetime I didn't mention? I'm always looking for good ones, since they are few and far between, and I'm sure others are as well. Enlighten us!

My Journey to Health (Healing from Hypothyroidism and PCOS)

Every time I've sat down to start writing out this story - a story I hope will help readers who may relate to find their own answers to their own puzzling journey - I'm stumped at where to start. The beginning of this journey started so long ago I was still a child in the process of becoming a young woman. The effects of this journey have been my constant and frustrating companions for most of my life. I am still in shock when I consider that I may have reached the end of the worst part of this struggle. The part with no answers. No help. The part where hope for a solution had dwindled away almost to nothing.

It's hard to believe this body can be well. But it's been almost a month since I found the answers that tied everything together. And I feel WELL.

So I will try to briefly sum up what's been going wrong for the past 28 years:

My childhood was relatively normal in the way of health, although I did get sick more than the average child and I did battle asthma and allergies. I suppose it was my normal. But when I hit puberty, my body ... well, the only way to put it is that my body freaked out. I started gaining weight for no reason, and I began to have new symptoms that would eventually be diagnosed as Ulcerative Colitis. After a few years, migraines began, and when I got married and wanted to start a family, I had to deal with infertility first.

My body and my four pregnancies did not go together well. Four body freak-outs (and beautiful kids) later, and 10 years, and I was in a bad place. Overweight, tired, depressed and anxious, I had to drag myself out of bed and face each day, try to think clearly enough to teach my kids and write. I was trying to beat myself into a place of health. Strenuous exercise that drained me of every last reserve of energy, trying to eat healthy, whole foods and take the right supplements left me mostly disillusioned. I thought it was impossible for my body to get healthy. I seemed allergic to the very exercises and food that doctor after doctor or fad after fad or product after product had told me would make me a healthy weight and help me feel better. I had the thought many times that if I could just stop eating altogether maybe my body would be happy. I even tried it a couple times, but it only brought on new problems.

I'm not sorry for the journey. Having those health struggles are what made me start thinking about a healthier way to live. I will never regret learning a lifestyle that has helped my entire family develop healthy habits of living.

But one day very recently, out of nowhere, I stumbled upon the address of a doctor. An integrative doctor who was a five-minute drive from my house. I called her office, thinking it would be months and months until she could see me, afraid that insurance wouldn't cover her fees and I would put a strain on the family financially. I thought there had to be a catch.

She welcomed me into her office and talked to me for over 2 hours. She listened carefully to every detail of my health history and my story. She did a careful examination and decided to send me to an endocrinologist (who won't be able to see me for three months) to rule out more complicated problems with my thyroid. She gave me a thorough list of everything I should be eating and shouldn't. Told me several supplements to help with my troubling symptoms. Handed me the bottle of thyroid pills I probably should have been taking 20 years ago.

But there was a moment in her office where everything fell into place. Where all my years of blaming and berating myself were canceled out. She put her hand on my shoulder, got my attention, and said confidently, "This is not your fault."

So, dear reader who can relate to this story, I'm here to tell you, if you have been vigilantly trying to get your body out of a life-long freakout, if you have tried every fad and diet and supplement out there and still feel and look unhealthy, if you know deep down in your soul that something is wrong with you no matter how many doctors have told you your levels are "normal," IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. I invite you to stay tuned to this blog. I'm going to have several more posts in the coming months that will deal specifically with the two issues that were causing me the most trouble. PCOS (and other hormonal issues) and Hypothyroidism. These are two types of autoimmune trouble that are not well understood or easily treated, but more and more people are struggling with them every day. 

We're going to find some answers. And I'm going to tell you, that even though I am only beginning my journey to wellness, after one month of following her instructions (to the letter) I have lost an entire clothes size. That may not sound amazing unless you, like me, have tried everything in vain and still feel swollen and uncomfortable in your body. I have never lost weight so painlessly in my life, and I've been trying to lose weight for most of my life. Something is working here. And if it can work for me, it can work for anyone.

So follow my blog and check back. Sign up on the email list. We're going to talk about specific symptoms, diet, supplements and even how our attitude will affect our ability to get well. 

I'm not there yet. Neither are you. But we're going to get there together. I'd love to hear your thoughts or your stories. Let me know in the comments what you've been dealing with and what answers you are hoping to find.

Mission Impossible: Motherhood

These are the four people who I spend the most time with. I never thought I could love anyone with the intensity and passion that I love these four people. I never understood how love can be an ache until I loved these four. I know all about them. I carefully consider every aspect of their personality, I obsess over how I can help them achieve their goals and dreams. I hurt when they hurt and I rejoice when they rejoice.

But these four people aren't perfect. They fight. They are LOUD. They disobey, they don't try hard enough, they get distracted from what they should be doing, and they pout and stomp around. Some days, like today, loving them is hard. It's a chore. 

I don't think I understood what motherhood would really be like. I always wanted to be a mom. It was even more important to me than my writing or music. I pleaded with God to give me these two girls and two boys. And he answered my prayer. He answered my prayer! I don't know how I could ever say thank you adequately to express how grateful I am to be their mom.

But I've come to that point in my life where the dream isn't all it was cracked up to be. My emotions and level of calm are being twisted in different directions by hormones and approaching 40 and trying to keep up and do everything well. That's the hardest part. Doing everything I'm supposed to do WELL. 

I wake up in the morning feeling overwhelmed by the tasks ahead. I go to bed at night with a desperate prayer that somehow, God will help me be kind to these people I love more than anything. 

I pray he will help me be patient. I pray that I will figure out what it means to accomplish my tasks from day-to-day in his strength. Because I've tried it in mine, and I only end up frazzled, guilty, stressed and exhausted.

I'm not alone. Watching the movie "Mom's Day Out" recently with my mom made me see I'm not alone in my misery. Seeing the main character huddle in her closet with the computer, "hiding from the house" rang completely true. I've had enough homework, practices, laundry, paint, stickiness, glue, muddy shoes, screaming, screeching, fighting, and food spills, not to mention vomit, poop, and pee to last me the rest of my days.

But even in all of the struggle, in all my weariness, I'm still glad God put these four people in my life. I don't know what I'd do without them. I can't even think about losing one of them. They are my world, and I pray God will show me how to raise them to love him. 

Even if I never figure out how to make them talk softly. Even if they are still bickering about who's turn it is when they are 25. Even if they squirm and climb under the pews at church, or spill their milk for the second time in a day, even if they stumble into my room at 3 am and inform me of their needs in a whine that makes me want to tear my hair out. As long as they learn to love Jesus, as long as they learn to love others, I guess that's what counts.

Dear Mom, hang in there. Focus on what is important today. Spend a few moments thinking about how much you love those little people around you making you crazy this afternoon. God gave them to you because he knew you alone could love them the way they need to be loved. Take heart, and keep up the good work.

4 Obstacles to Indie Publishing

Speaking as a brand-new Indie author, this painting by Edward Munch is a great description of how I feel when I researching the process.

But the more I know, the more excited I get. The more I knew about traditional publishing over the years, the more frustrated and anxious I got. I spent years trying to get the attention of agents. A few sent criticism, sometimes harsh. A few sent form letters. Most never responded at all. 

When I finally began a relationship with a reputable agent, I was excited. She liked the story, just wanted a few minor changes. I did them, in record time, and waited months for her to respond. She requested a manuscript. She wanted the 90,000 word book printed out and sent to her. I did it quickly and waited months. She wrote a note on one of the pages that she liked it but it needed more changes and a professional edit. I did the changes, had the manuscript edited and printed out the whole thing again. And I was truly happy for her help. Her advice did make the story stronger. But after a year had passed since the original query, she sent another barely legible note on the back of a page that she now wanted me to take out everything but the romance. All my character development, the mystery and the adventure, the PLOT, basically, had to go. As it was, it wouldn't make enough money.

I was floored. Apparently, that's what it takes to sell a book traditionally. I don't necessarily blame the agent for requiring it, but the more I thought about it and discussed it with my editor, the more sure I was that I couldn't be that kind of author. The kind of story she wanted my book to be is the kind of book I think should be banned from the shelves. There are too many of them. They don't challenge the reader, they don't have depth or art. And from the women I've talked to, everyone is kind of tired of them. 

So Indie it is. But I quickly noticed in my new quest that there are some serious obstacles to Indie Publishing as well. 

1. It's hard to find.

I've been trying to find Indie authors who write the same types of genres as I do. (Christian Historical Romance.) So far I haven't found any viable options for me to read and support. There are quite a few smutty romances and not a little science fiction, but Christian Indie authors seem to be lagging behind. 

2. Everything is lumped together.

To me, Indie publishing feels like a huge room filled nearly to the top with books. All of them are screaming to be read. It's loud, it's unorganized, and when you step in the room you're a little afraid of drowning in them. You pick a few up, but quickly realize that there is no difference between the author who has carefully rewritten and edited their work, seeking the advice and editing of others and taking the time to actually learn how to write, and the folks who just have too much time on their hands and spent more time designing the cover than fixing their spelling and plot holes. And let's face it, most of the books are not the edited kind. 

There are a few things to provide a solution, such as Kirkus reviews, but for the Indie author who has to buy photo editing software, professional editing and other programs to turn a word document into a book, it gets pricey. Hopefully as time goes on, there will be more accountability and ways to determine whether an Indie read is worth the time or not.

3. The need to spend time building followers on social media versus the need to have time to spend writing.

Writers write. I've written my entire life, it's just a part of me and the same as thinking to my brain. Now that I've trained to write in a manner that will be useful to others, I can't just sit back on my laurels. I have to labor over the words over and over until they are just right, and that takes months and years. The social media circus is an absolutely necessary but daunting frustration to the time I wish I could spend working. And it's not just Indie authors who have this problem. Traditionally published authors are also expected to form an outrageous following before they even have a single book available.

I believe this is a big part of why we have the formulaic, cookie cutter stories that turned me away from traditional publishing. No one is allowed to be different, to express their own voice and to write for a more modest niche of people who will enjoy exactly the books they write. The only ones free to do this are the fortunate few who have had the success stories most authors will only ever dream of. And I just don't think it's right to limit art to such a narrow (boring) avenue.

4. Art as a business.

The truth of it for me, is that I don't care if I ever make money writing. I would like to cover my costs, but what is absolutely essential to me is finding readers who will get something out of my work. Unfortunately, in reality, the two are linked in our culture and it's difficult to see an alternative.

What do you think? Have you read any Indie authors you would recommend? Are you a Christian Indie author who is interested in working together? Anyone have any tips about social media? Please speak up and share your thoughts, we're here to learn from each other.

And please follow me! If you are interested in reading more posts like the recent ones, I plan to document my journey to Indie publishing over the next year before my novel Where We Belong is released in September of 2015. I'd appreciate your follows and shares. Thanks!

Attention Dreamers: Five Habits of Creative Writers

Let’s face it, creative people have their challenges. Organization, motivation, inspiration – we tend to sit and think until that miraculous thought occurs that changes everything.

But in our world, the reality is, people who sit and wait for genius to strike will quickly fall behind all the neat, organized and self-motivated people in the world. As a result, writing how-to blog posts such as this one tend to be written by the not-as-creative-as-they-are-on-the-ball types.

I’m not saying it’s wrong for people who aren’t primarily creative to write and to help others learn to write. I’ve utilized plenty of their wisdom over the years I’ve been learning to hone my craft. But it seems like creative types have a special method they must employ if they are to be successful in this highly driven, fast-paced society. The dreamers and idealists can easily be left in the dust if they aren’t careful.

So as a creative person, I’d like to suggest the top five habits I have learned to deal with my dreamer nature.

1. Make schedule a habit.

I know we dreamers don’t like schedules and routine much. I’d rather do what feels right at the moment. But I didn’t start growing as an author until I made it a habit to go into my office every day after lunch and close the door and work on writing or writing-related activities for the afternoon hours. Sure, I still stare out the window regularly. I get side-tracked by the busy life of my family going on around me, and some days motivation and spirit are low and I don’t get much done. But that’s okay.The important part is that your brain understands to go there every day, so that it is more a mechanical function than a decision.

2. Don’t try to write without a good amount of day-dreaming first.

You can try it, but I find those attempts never turn out very well. Some writers can outline and plan out their plot and have every scene mapped before they begin a story, and if you can do that, great, but it doesn’t work with my brain that longs to run barefoot through the meadow of the world I am endeavoring to create. Dream up your characters. Ask them who they are. Find out their personalities and their quirks, and most importantly, find out what they are afraid of; what they want more than anything. That’s where you find your story.

3. Don’t let the publishing business intimidate you.

This has been the hardest lesson for me. I’m a timid person when it comes to interacting with others. I’d rather stay in my day-dream world where I am in control and I don’t have to respond to the behavior of other people. In the publishing business, you find out fast that there are rude people, there are jealous people, there are controlling people. The attitude in mainstream publishing is that authors are the lowly peasants and editors and agents are the royalty who elevate whom they wish and ignore and oppress the rest. I’m not speaking specifically of certain ones, and if I was they wouldn’t recognize it and probably wouldn’t be reading this in the first place. But if you want to write and actually have someone hear you, whether you attempt mainstream or indie publishing, eventually you have to speak up and make someone listen to you. So you get your craft as perfect as you can (professional editors are a great tool if you can swing it) and then you confidently walk out on the stage without being called and tell everyone your story is available for reading. It also helps to find your target audience (the ones you know will like your book.)

Another note: It is fine to accept the help and advice of willing agents and editors who do take the time to respond to your work and tell you what they think is wrong with it. But take everything they say through a filter. They are not creative writers, most of the time, but they have their own idea of what a story should be, and their idea is usually based on monetary expectations. Which brings me to my next point.

4. Don’t write for the money.

We are peasants. The vast majority of authors will remain peasants for a lifetime. If you are writing to make money, GIVE UP NOW. Write because you have something to say. Write because the images in your mind have changed you and you think they might change others, too. Write because if you don’t, the pressure of the beauty that your brain harbors will build up and cause a messy explosion. But don’t write for the money.

This is where your relationship with agents and editors will be strained by its very nature. They ARE in it for money. And that’s why they spend their time and energy on their few moneymakers and have little left for anyone else. And that’s why the publishing business is in trouble, because true readers and writers don’t want the formula. All the Christian women I can find to ask are sick and tired of the same plots and characters, over and over, churned out from the writing factory. But to suggest to an agent that you don’t want to remove your character development, that you’d rather not take out the mystery and adventure and angst and everything that made your story a unique expression of your soul – well, let me tell you from experience, that doesn’t go well.

5. Be willing to sell your own work.

I’ve been trying to break into mainstream publishing for years. I’ve sent hundreds of queries, a few partial manuscripts, and a few whole ones. I’ve received some feedback, and the funny thing about it is, they don’t even agree with each other. After you get past the typos and the grammar and have your book set up in an orderly fashion that is easy to read and interesting, it gets very objective, and no two people prefer the same thing. So take anything that is not hard evidence that you have not done your work as well as you could with a grain of salt. It’s an opinion, and art doesn’t have set perimeters. It’s usually the art that can’t be categorized that has the most heart. So be free with your heart. Be clear, follow rules for grammar, spelling, and formatting. Rewrite as if your life depends on it. Make sure that art is at its best before you take it out in public, but at that point, don’t be ashamed of it. It’s you.

Now get to work!

But before you do -would you take a moment and follow my blog? I will be posting on Thursdays. I plan to have more posts like this one, helping other writers find the confidence and skills they need to become the writer they were created to be. I would love for it to be an interactive place we can discuss many writing related subjects. I’d love to get to know OTHER INDIE AUTHORS AND READERS of women’s Christian fiction. It would make my day if you left a comment. What are you thinking about as you read this post? Are you tired of the majority of mainstream published offerings? What’s missing in our Christian fiction these days?