Mission Impossible: Motherhood

These are the four people who I spend the most time with. I never thought I could love anyone with the intensity and passion that I love these four people. I never understood how love can be an ache until I loved these four. I know all about them. I carefully consider every aspect of their personality, I obsess over how I can help them achieve their goals and dreams. I hurt when they hurt and I rejoice when they rejoice.

But these four people aren't perfect. They fight. They are LOUD. They disobey, they don't try hard enough, they get distracted from what they should be doing, and they pout and stomp around. Some days, like today, loving them is hard. It's a chore. 

I don't think I understood what motherhood would really be like. I always wanted to be a mom. It was even more important to me than my writing or music. I pleaded with God to give me these two girls and two boys. And he answered my prayer. He answered my prayer! I don't know how I could ever say thank you adequately to express how grateful I am to be their mom.

But I've come to that point in my life where the dream isn't all it was cracked up to be. My emotions and level of calm are being twisted in different directions by hormones and approaching 40 and trying to keep up and do everything well. That's the hardest part. Doing everything I'm supposed to do WELL. 

I wake up in the morning feeling overwhelmed by the tasks ahead. I go to bed at night with a desperate prayer that somehow, God will help me be kind to these people I love more than anything. 

I pray he will help me be patient. I pray that I will figure out what it means to accomplish my tasks from day-to-day in his strength. Because I've tried it in mine, and I only end up frazzled, guilty, stressed and exhausted.

I'm not alone. Watching the movie "Mom's Day Out" recently with my mom made me see I'm not alone in my misery. Seeing the main character huddle in her closet with the computer, "hiding from the house" rang completely true. I've had enough homework, practices, laundry, paint, stickiness, glue, muddy shoes, screaming, screeching, fighting, and food spills, not to mention vomit, poop, and pee to last me the rest of my days.

But even in all of the struggle, in all my weariness, I'm still glad God put these four people in my life. I don't know what I'd do without them. I can't even think about losing one of them. They are my world, and I pray God will show me how to raise them to love him. 

Even if I never figure out how to make them talk softly. Even if they are still bickering about who's turn it is when they are 25. Even if they squirm and climb under the pews at church, or spill their milk for the second time in a day, even if they stumble into my room at 3 am and inform me of their needs in a whine that makes me want to tear my hair out. As long as they learn to love Jesus, as long as they learn to love others, I guess that's what counts.

Dear Mom, hang in there. Focus on what is important today. Spend a few moments thinking about how much you love those little people around you making you crazy this afternoon. God gave them to you because he knew you alone could love them the way they need to be loved. Take heart, and keep up the good work.

4 Obstacles to Indie Publishing

Speaking as a brand-new Indie author, this painting by Edward Munch is a great description of how I feel when I researching the process.

But the more I know, the more excited I get. The more I knew about traditional publishing over the years, the more frustrated and anxious I got. I spent years trying to get the attention of agents. A few sent criticism, sometimes harsh. A few sent form letters. Most never responded at all. 

When I finally began a relationship with a reputable agent, I was excited. She liked the story, just wanted a few minor changes. I did them, in record time, and waited months for her to respond. She requested a manuscript. She wanted the 90,000 word book printed out and sent to her. I did it quickly and waited months. She wrote a note on one of the pages that she liked it but it needed more changes and a professional edit. I did the changes, had the manuscript edited and printed out the whole thing again. And I was truly happy for her help. Her advice did make the story stronger. But after a year had passed since the original query, she sent another barely legible note on the back of a page that she now wanted me to take out everything but the romance. All my character development, the mystery and the adventure, the PLOT, basically, had to go. As it was, it wouldn't make enough money.

I was floored. Apparently, that's what it takes to sell a book traditionally. I don't necessarily blame the agent for requiring it, but the more I thought about it and discussed it with my editor, the more sure I was that I couldn't be that kind of author. The kind of story she wanted my book to be is the kind of book I think should be banned from the shelves. There are too many of them. They don't challenge the reader, they don't have depth or art. And from the women I've talked to, everyone is kind of tired of them. 

So Indie it is. But I quickly noticed in my new quest that there are some serious obstacles to Indie Publishing as well. 

1. It's hard to find.

I've been trying to find Indie authors who write the same types of genres as I do. (Christian Historical Romance.) So far I haven't found any viable options for me to read and support. There are quite a few smutty romances and not a little science fiction, but Christian Indie authors seem to be lagging behind. 

2. Everything is lumped together.

To me, Indie publishing feels like a huge room filled nearly to the top with books. All of them are screaming to be read. It's loud, it's unorganized, and when you step in the room you're a little afraid of drowning in them. You pick a few up, but quickly realize that there is no difference between the author who has carefully rewritten and edited their work, seeking the advice and editing of others and taking the time to actually learn how to write, and the folks who just have too much time on their hands and spent more time designing the cover than fixing their spelling and plot holes. And let's face it, most of the books are not the edited kind. 

There are a few things to provide a solution, such as Kirkus reviews, but for the Indie author who has to buy photo editing software, professional editing and other programs to turn a word document into a book, it gets pricey. Hopefully as time goes on, there will be more accountability and ways to determine whether an Indie read is worth the time or not.

3. The need to spend time building followers on social media versus the need to have time to spend writing.

Writers write. I've written my entire life, it's just a part of me and the same as thinking to my brain. Now that I've trained to write in a manner that will be useful to others, I can't just sit back on my laurels. I have to labor over the words over and over until they are just right, and that takes months and years. The social media circus is an absolutely necessary but daunting frustration to the time I wish I could spend working. And it's not just Indie authors who have this problem. Traditionally published authors are also expected to form an outrageous following before they even have a single book available.

I believe this is a big part of why we have the formulaic, cookie cutter stories that turned me away from traditional publishing. No one is allowed to be different, to express their own voice and to write for a more modest niche of people who will enjoy exactly the books they write. The only ones free to do this are the fortunate few who have had the success stories most authors will only ever dream of. And I just don't think it's right to limit art to such a narrow (boring) avenue.

4. Art as a business.

The truth of it for me, is that I don't care if I ever make money writing. I would like to cover my costs, but what is absolutely essential to me is finding readers who will get something out of my work. Unfortunately, in reality, the two are linked in our culture and it's difficult to see an alternative.

What do you think? Have you read any Indie authors you would recommend? Are you a Christian Indie author who is interested in working together? Anyone have any tips about social media? Please speak up and share your thoughts, we're here to learn from each other.

And please follow me! If you are interested in reading more posts like the recent ones, I plan to document my journey to Indie publishing over the next year before my novel Where We Belong is released in September of 2015. I'd appreciate your follows and shares. Thanks!

Attention Dreamers: Five Habits of Creative Writers

Let’s face it, creative people have their challenges. Organization, motivation, inspiration – we tend to sit and think until that miraculous thought occurs that changes everything.

But in our world, the reality is, people who sit and wait for genius to strike will quickly fall behind all the neat, organized and self-motivated people in the world. As a result, writing how-to blog posts such as this one tend to be written by the not-as-creative-as-they-are-on-the-ball types.

I’m not saying it’s wrong for people who aren’t primarily creative to write and to help others learn to write. I’ve utilized plenty of their wisdom over the years I’ve been learning to hone my craft. But it seems like creative types have a special method they must employ if they are to be successful in this highly driven, fast-paced society. The dreamers and idealists can easily be left in the dust if they aren’t careful.

So as a creative person, I’d like to suggest the top five habits I have learned to deal with my dreamer nature.

1. Make schedule a habit.

I know we dreamers don’t like schedules and routine much. I’d rather do what feels right at the moment. But I didn’t start growing as an author until I made it a habit to go into my office every day after lunch and close the door and work on writing or writing-related activities for the afternoon hours. Sure, I still stare out the window regularly. I get side-tracked by the busy life of my family going on around me, and some days motivation and spirit are low and I don’t get much done. But that’s okay.The important part is that your brain understands to go there every day, so that it is more a mechanical function than a decision.

2. Don’t try to write without a good amount of day-dreaming first.

You can try it, but I find those attempts never turn out very well. Some writers can outline and plan out their plot and have every scene mapped before they begin a story, and if you can do that, great, but it doesn’t work with my brain that longs to run barefoot through the meadow of the world I am endeavoring to create. Dream up your characters. Ask them who they are. Find out their personalities and their quirks, and most importantly, find out what they are afraid of; what they want more than anything. That’s where you find your story.

3. Don’t let the publishing business intimidate you.

This has been the hardest lesson for me. I’m a timid person when it comes to interacting with others. I’d rather stay in my day-dream world where I am in control and I don’t have to respond to the behavior of other people. In the publishing business, you find out fast that there are rude people, there are jealous people, there are controlling people. The attitude in mainstream publishing is that authors are the lowly peasants and editors and agents are the royalty who elevate whom they wish and ignore and oppress the rest. I’m not speaking specifically of certain ones, and if I was they wouldn’t recognize it and probably wouldn’t be reading this in the first place. But if you want to write and actually have someone hear you, whether you attempt mainstream or indie publishing, eventually you have to speak up and make someone listen to you. So you get your craft as perfect as you can (professional editors are a great tool if you can swing it) and then you confidently walk out on the stage without being called and tell everyone your story is available for reading. It also helps to find your target audience (the ones you know will like your book.)

Another note: It is fine to accept the help and advice of willing agents and editors who do take the time to respond to your work and tell you what they think is wrong with it. But take everything they say through a filter. They are not creative writers, most of the time, but they have their own idea of what a story should be, and their idea is usually based on monetary expectations. Which brings me to my next point.

4. Don’t write for the money.

We are peasants. The vast majority of authors will remain peasants for a lifetime. If you are writing to make money, GIVE UP NOW. Write because you have something to say. Write because the images in your mind have changed you and you think they might change others, too. Write because if you don’t, the pressure of the beauty that your brain harbors will build up and cause a messy explosion. But don’t write for the money.

This is where your relationship with agents and editors will be strained by its very nature. They ARE in it for money. And that’s why they spend their time and energy on their few moneymakers and have little left for anyone else. And that’s why the publishing business is in trouble, because true readers and writers don’t want the formula. All the Christian women I can find to ask are sick and tired of the same plots and characters, over and over, churned out from the writing factory. But to suggest to an agent that you don’t want to remove your character development, that you’d rather not take out the mystery and adventure and angst and everything that made your story a unique expression of your soul – well, let me tell you from experience, that doesn’t go well.

5. Be willing to sell your own work.

I’ve been trying to break into mainstream publishing for years. I’ve sent hundreds of queries, a few partial manuscripts, and a few whole ones. I’ve received some feedback, and the funny thing about it is, they don’t even agree with each other. After you get past the typos and the grammar and have your book set up in an orderly fashion that is easy to read and interesting, it gets very objective, and no two people prefer the same thing. So take anything that is not hard evidence that you have not done your work as well as you could with a grain of salt. It’s an opinion, and art doesn’t have set perimeters. It’s usually the art that can’t be categorized that has the most heart. So be free with your heart. Be clear, follow rules for grammar, spelling, and formatting. Rewrite as if your life depends on it. Make sure that art is at its best before you take it out in public, but at that point, don’t be ashamed of it. It’s you.

Now get to work!

But before you do -would you take a moment and follow my blog? I will be posting on Thursdays. I plan to have more posts like this one, helping other writers find the confidence and skills they need to become the writer they were created to be. I would love for it to be an interactive place we can discuss many writing related subjects. I’d love to get to know OTHER INDIE AUTHORS AND READERS of women’s Christian fiction. It would make my day if you left a comment. What are you thinking about as you read this post? Are you tired of the majority of mainstream published offerings? What’s missing in our Christian fiction these days?