Mission Impossible: Motherhood

These are the four people who I spend the most time with. I never thought I could love anyone with the intensity and passion that I love these four people. I never understood how love can be an ache until I loved these four. I know all about them. I carefully consider every aspect of their personality, I obsess over how I can help them achieve their goals and dreams. I hurt when they hurt and I rejoice when they rejoice.

But these four people aren't perfect. They fight. They are LOUD. They disobey, they don't try hard enough, they get distracted from what they should be doing, and they pout and stomp around. Some days, like today, loving them is hard. It's a chore. 

I don't think I understood what motherhood would really be like. I always wanted to be a mom. It was even more important to me than my writing or music. I pleaded with God to give me these two girls and two boys. And he answered my prayer. He answered my prayer! I don't know how I could ever say thank you adequately to express how grateful I am to be their mom.

But I've come to that point in my life where the dream isn't all it was cracked up to be. My emotions and level of calm are being twisted in different directions by hormones and approaching 40 and trying to keep up and do everything well. That's the hardest part. Doing everything I'm supposed to do WELL. 

I wake up in the morning feeling overwhelmed by the tasks ahead. I go to bed at night with a desperate prayer that somehow, God will help me be kind to these people I love more than anything. 

I pray he will help me be patient. I pray that I will figure out what it means to accomplish my tasks from day-to-day in his strength. Because I've tried it in mine, and I only end up frazzled, guilty, stressed and exhausted.

I'm not alone. Watching the movie "Mom's Day Out" recently with my mom made me see I'm not alone in my misery. Seeing the main character huddle in her closet with the computer, "hiding from the house" rang completely true. I've had enough homework, practices, laundry, paint, stickiness, glue, muddy shoes, screaming, screeching, fighting, and food spills, not to mention vomit, poop, and pee to last me the rest of my days.

But even in all of the struggle, in all my weariness, I'm still glad God put these four people in my life. I don't know what I'd do without them. I can't even think about losing one of them. They are my world, and I pray God will show me how to raise them to love him. 

Even if I never figure out how to make them talk softly. Even if they are still bickering about who's turn it is when they are 25. Even if they squirm and climb under the pews at church, or spill their milk for the second time in a day, even if they stumble into my room at 3 am and inform me of their needs in a whine that makes me want to tear my hair out. As long as they learn to love Jesus, as long as they learn to love others, I guess that's what counts.

Dear Mom, hang in there. Focus on what is important today. Spend a few moments thinking about how much you love those little people around you making you crazy this afternoon. God gave them to you because he knew you alone could love them the way they need to be loved. Take heart, and keep up the good work.