Living in an Autoimmune Fog

I need to say it to someone. Anyone who cares to listen. It's not something that's easy for me to talk about. I tend to think if I don't talk about something it will make it less true. That illogical thinking isn't getting me anywhere, so here's my confession: I have battled my entire life with one seemingly random physical condition after another. As a child, it was allergies and asthma. The treatment? Drugs and hospitalizations. As a young adult, I added IBD to the list, as well as frustratingly undiagnosed thyroid symptoms, PCOS and debilitating migraines. My body went wildly out of control for all four of my pregnancies, which took my own research and concentrated effort, along with a great deal of prayer to even achieve in the first place.

Ruminating on all the hospitals, doctors, medication, tests, then my own learning and applying healthy eating, supplementation and exercise, still being here at 36 and wondering what in the world is wrong with me... well, it all makes me tired just to think about. Could it be that I had so many unrelated diseases? I have sat in many different doctor's offices in my lifetime and heard the same words, over and over. "Tests show there is nothing wrong with you." "You need this prescription for..." Being a chronic people-pleaser, I have believed them and continued to berate myself for being unable to combat these things. Recently, God has taken me on a journey in the Bible that has helped me address my fault of caring too much what other people think of me. And I was able to take steps to move away from my fear of man. As a result, I've been brave enough to start questioning, and researching (thanks to my writer's skills.)

I have had a doctor answer my question of why I am still overweight even though I do not overeat and I exercise regularly, "If losing weight were easy I'd be thin." Another doctor, wanting to prescribe a low dose anti-depressive to treat my migraines said "At that dose, there's no way you will have any side effects." I promptly had to quit taking them because my mouth broke out with sores and my tongue was numb. I'm not saying that I believe all doctors are unconcerned about the individual who sits in their office looking for answers. I have at least three personal friends who are medical doctors and there is no doubt in my mind that they do what they do because they truly and absolutely care about the people they are trying to help in the best way they know how. What's more? They are super smart people! I grew up with one of them and I have always been amazed at her intellectual ability. And I know that the nature of a medical profession in a world that looks for any opportunity to profit on the mistakes of others makes it a hard thing to deviate from the accepted practices. That being said, when I "average together" the medical profession as a whole, what I've long wished for was a trained medical doctor who was willing to think outside the "medical doctor box." To treat the whole person, not just the symptoms. To base their care on the single living being sitting there on the table rather than the statistical average of all people.

I have long thought of myself as having one basis for every physical problem I have. I have known intuitively that there has to be one reason why all of these "autoimmune" problems are happening to me, over and over and without responding to any medications. Recently my jumbled thoughts and foggy intuition have helped me to stumble upon a cascade of information that could be the answer to my condition. It's all wrapped up in my genes, which have been affected in a way that causes my body to think of itself as an enemy. I am literally attacking myself with my own immune system. 

I can see this in all the daily struggles with pain and illness I am living with right now, as I am in an active phase, or "flare-up," possibly due to a nasty virus I had in December. Even with my migraines. I found THIS helpful book recently, and the way it described how a migraine works sounded so familiar. People with migraines have a part of their brain that overreacts to normal stimuli, such as weather and hormonal changes, flashing lights, loud noises. And it's true, those are the things that most often trigger violent pain in my head. How do you avoid any of those things? I have had migraines triggered just by glancing at the little flashing lights on my children's toothbrushes that tell them how long to brush their teeth!

It's all about overreaction. Ultra-sensitivity. I've known this about myself all along, but it never occurred to me that there might be others that had the same struggles. I've discovered even among my friends those that suffer the same sorts of problems. Some of them are not as far along on the journey of information I am, others are beyond me and confuse me with the "language" I haven't quite caught the grasp of yet.

So now my objective is to discover how I can convince my body that it doesn't have to respond in such an extreme way to everything. I'm going to try some new supplements, tweak my diet some more, and have a positive attitude laden with a dependence on prayer. And I'm not going to believe everything I'm told, especially if it doesn't make sense or prove true. I'm going to look deeper. I'm going to find out how I can be healthy for my family, and not continue to give in to pain by slowly becoming a hermit because I never leave my house. I'm determined that as long as I'm still breathing, it's a chance to find the truth. And when I do, I'm going to use it to help others like me. I promise.

THIS is next on my list of things to try. I know nothing about this doctor and little of why he has come to this place in his thinking, but when I look at the practical and natural ways he suggests I alter my lifestyle to feel better, I am encouraged to have hope. Natural doesn't make my body overreact. Natural doesn't cause my tongue or my ankles to swell up. Natural doesn't add more symptoms on my already full plate. Natural is more gentle. But natural takes patience. So I'll give it some time and see what I come up with.

Thoughts? Feel free to leave a comment.

Ten on the Tenth

I actually remembered that it was the tenth. And I took ten pictures. But I must remind you that the life I live outside my head is really rather monotonous and dull. And I can't take pictures of the inside of my head. Or can I? You know how they say that we are either right brained or left brained? When I take those little quizzes, I always end up seeming just about 50/50. And today I noticed that my desk proved it.

On the left is my side for study. On the right is my side for fiction writing. My desk always looks like this, it wasn't just today. I guess maybe I am both. ANYWAY, moving on to the rest of these riveting pictures...

Don't you just wish these things would make themselves once in awhile.

Ooh. Nice.

A pathetic little lego man who is far from home.

I wish the cleaning fairy would hit this room.

I found a soldier in my kitchen. Or as he calls himself: a G.I.G.I.O.

Showing some respect.

Well, what's the use in having them if you don't put them to work? JUST KIDDING. She lives for this. Seriously.

Some lovely horse artwork.

It does appear that everyone will be able to visit the prize box tomorrow.

And there you have it. A day in the life of a 50/50 left/right brained homeschooling mother of four. You may now go about your business.

A Few Reasons You Should Watch Doctor Who

Up to about a month ago, This was my impression of Doctor Who. An old dude standing by a console doing weird things while people watched him. With good reason. The doctor does often stand around his console and do weird things while people watch. For 36 years of my life, if I heard someone say that they couldn't get enough Doctor Who, I would wait until they turned away and give them this look:

However, I was recently motivated to give this show a try because of so many people like me that couldn't get enough Doctor Who. I heard it was hilarious. I heard it was a must-see of any self-respecting science fiction enthusiast. What nerd in all of time and space could resist a show that really lived in all of time and space? 

So I gave it a try. And the first couple episodes were hard to get through. I didn't get it right away. But I kept watching, and then I started to like the characters. They started to reveal more of themselves and I realize the old dude messing around on the console had a really interesting back story. Plus he had this way of getting completely animated over adventure, yet he'd stick his hands in his pockets and go quiet if things got personal. The girl following him around had an inspiring spirit. Even though she was 19 and he was over 900, she had things to teach him about unwavering respect and compassion for others. And he had an entire universe to show her. So they really, really worked together.

That's what I'm all about. CHARACTERS. Not being a seasoned Doctor Who fan who had known the series back in the 60's through the 90's, I had to learn something the hard way and so I soften the blow for you, future Whovian. Doctor Who can be really, really sad. Some things are inevitable when 900 year-old time lords come flying around in their TARDIS and mingling with fragile humans.

And so Doctor Who can sometimes make you feel like this.

But don't despair, because as Sarah Jane Smith would say - It's completely worth it. And there are really, really funny moments too. You'll have some laughs with the indomitable  Donna Noble.

And I really don't think there's better science to be found anywhere.

But River warns me to be careful. And she has a gun so I will shut up.

But just one more thing - best little family you could ever fall in love with right here:

It's true, making things that were thought up fifty years ago seem cool can be a challenge. But I think they've managed to pull it off.

And now that you know what TARDIS means, you can hardly stop there.

By the way, it's bigger on the inside.

I must warn you ahead of time, if you see one of these, DON'T BLINK. 

But scary moments beside, Doctor Who is a wonderfully silly, emotionally devastating, always moving, constantly surprising, brilliantly acted and written story that has - after all - managed to endure for fifty years.

Oh, and there's a lot of frantic hugging if you're into that.

So what are you waiting for? Find yourself some Who and get busy. Allons-y!

Ponderings Concerning the Mall Santa

Where's the Line to See Jesus?

I wrote this short story in response to this music video. It was for a specific online purpose, but either I'm too computer illiterate or they were way too complicated. In either case, it didn't work out. But since I'd already written it, I didn't want to waste it. So I thought I'd put it here instead. 

It was a question for the ages. One that could not possibly have an answer. But it still tormented me as I unlocked the door to my apartment and entered later that evening.

My thoughts had not been occupied with anything other than a contented peacefulness as I passed by that Santa display at the mall tonight. I was out with nothing to do but shop. I had a lifestyle and a bank account that gave me the privilege of buying exactly what I knew would be perfect for each of my loved ones. The mood in the mall had been festive and happy.

In a way I wanted to despise the little Scrooge who seemed to come from nowhere with his question and vanished to the same. What right did he have to ruin my holiday spirit? Was he a little demon sent to spread gloom and darkness into a world only trying to celebrate life, if just for the season? Or was he an angel sent with a warning that precluded our expectation of divine blessing?

My mind swarmed with endless possibilities. I gulped back the sense of dread that had started to become tangible as an aching in the back of my head and the pit of my stomach. I dropped my packages that only minutes before had been treasures and now seemed like dead weight on my soul.

I fell to the couch in despair.

“What’s wrong?”

I didn’t hear the whisper with my ears, but rather the tones swirled around my being as the softest summer breeze kissed by the sun.

He was there.

I sighed with relief as the tension began to lessen. Words tumbled from my mind one after another. “Jesus, where were you tonight? How can everyone be so happy and content to forget that all of this is for you? Is because of you?”

His spirit breathed peace to mine. “Dearest, I was there.”

“No one noticed. No one saw you. I don’t know if I can keep on living in a world that doesn’t want you. It scares me how often I don't even think about you.”

“You won’t have that problem forever. But now for a time I give them a chance. I stand waiting. I knock. I long for them to come to me. And you are my tangible proof of that yearning. Of my love.”

I thought about his gentle words; the truths he spoke came to me as if they had materialized out of the Bible that sat closed on the coffee table in front of me. I picked it up and held it close to my chest.

“Let me be your hands. Your voice. Let me make this Christmas a grand display of who you are.”

I paused, seeking his eyes that I could almost see.

“Even if no one comes. I’ll be there. And most importantly, Lord – You’ll be there.”

            

Why I am not Concerned about the Winner

It's fairly obvious that most of the country is caught up with election fever. Phones ringing off the hook, a solid mass of political ads on television or online. People debating back and forth on facebook and twitter. Everyone sure that they are so obviously inspired in their own thinking and ashamed of anyone with the opposite view.

I've been accused of not caring. I've been accused of being politically indifferent because I'm avoiding the issues and afraid of conflict. While that might contain a sliver of truth, it's not likely to change. And overall, I feel justified in my neutral position.

When I say neutral, I don't really mean neutral. I will not deny that I lean toward conservatism in that I find it ridiculous to assume that spending more money, money we don't have as a country will somehow make us stronger. I do feel strongly that we are setting up a big problem for our children by pretending that these decisions don't have repercussions that will be felt for many years to come. AND YET, do I think that is one person or one party's fault? No. I think it's the result of a nation that has thought for too long that we were entitled to happiness and security within a broken world.

But that financial position is my deepest political conviction. And I must say that as a conservative and a "Christian," I find myself ashamed of some of those who claim the same adjectives to describe themselves. Wielding a sword of so-called non-negotiable issues such as the legality of abortion and the definition of marriage provide a place of refuge from reality for people who are willing to make bold statements and call them truth, but not willing to back up their opinions with any sort of action to prove it.

What do I mean? I see a very lazy portion of God's church in this world, especially in this country. Quick to denounce anyone who suggests that the government is not responsible to strictly adhere to biblical truth, when the government is not made up of people who even claim to belong to Christ. Keeping women out of abortion clinics will never happen by trying to force government to make it illegal or by protesting and shaming the people who are involved. Women will stay out of abortion clinics if they are loved by people that are filled with God's spirit and selfless enough to enter the messy world of other people's heartaches and struggles. When "Christians" are willing to love another person enough to provide for their most basic needs, to listen to them, to stand beside in the hardest of times, we will see a difference in the number of lives that are cut short by abortion. 

Likewise, I find it absurd that the same lazy portion of God's people think that marriage is even capable of being defined by a governmental system. When did God make such a statement? When did he bemoan the necessity of a government backing up his own ideas? God is still God no matter the state of government-approved unions in America. How did we get the idea that a picket line with such godless statements as "God hates gays" would prove God's unconditional love and rescue plan in Christ? I hate to break it to fellow "Christians," but God loves the gay person as much as he loves you. A gay person is just as welcome at the foot of the cross as someone who is not. And the only way that person will see Christ's love is through his church getting over themselves and again - loving people, providing for people, and listening to people who struggle and sin. For the person who has been saved by the grace of Jesus, who has the Spirit empowering everything he does and says, who is connected to the church and accountable to other believers - sin is possible to slowly and methodically eradicate. For the person who does not yet know the truth - conquering sin may well be impossible. How can I judge someone else's choices when I know I would struggle and in fact do struggle on occasion with my own areas of sin that sometimes seem too big for me, even with God's Spirit within me?

So, in the end, I look at these two people who want to be president. They are both decent people who love their families and believe in our country and desire for us to continue to be a beacon of hope in the world. They both have ideas that are questionable, and they both have good ideas. That's why we have the system of government that we do. Our fail safe is that we have many different people with different opinions working together to come up with plans that keep our country strong. We are all accountable to each other, and we are all flawed in our own ways. No president that comes out of the masses of humanity will ever be perfect, or will ever be the savior of the world. 

That position has already been filled. 

So rest easy, vote the best way your conscience allows, and remember that whoever sits in the oval office has been allowed to hold that position by God. The Bible is clear on that fact. They deserve respect, they deserve your earnest prayers, but at the end of the day, they won't make or break our nation anymore than our unwillingness to get our hands dirty reaching out to the broken people in our paths.

Watch an Engineer Build a Playset

My crafty MacGyver has been busy since the beginning of August. He's been building the kids a swingset/playhouse in the backyard. They decimated the old one, so he decided that it was more practical to make his own from scratch so he could make it extra sturdy.

I think he succeeded. I'm fairly certain this thing is built better than our house.

Here's a fun little video of his progress. He makes it look so easy!

Watch an Engineer Build a Playset from scratch in 44 seconds HERE.

Bittersweet - October Flash Fiction #1

It’s the way of this life in its present state that every moment of bliss is infected with the reality of transience.

A mother held her two-year-old. She breathed in his freshly bathed scent. She stared at every line of his features, the softness of his skin that was quickly fading away the taller he grew. She marveled that once he had been so small, so helpless. Now he filled her lap and his long legs dangled at her side.

These moments didn’t come often.  She knew she should revel in it. She knew she should hold him tight while he was willing and savor every last moment of the time they had left as mama and baby.  She stared at the mound of laundry that waited for her attention. She thought of the tower of dishes. Not to mention the floors that must be swept and the grimy windows.

It wasn’t that she wanted to do those things more. She didn’t exactly relish accomplishing those things when she knew they would just as quickly be undone in the remaining hours of the day.

She supposed the truth was that the longer she sat there with him, the longer she felt his little frame within her arms and smiled at his lisp as he spoke quietly to her – the more it would hurt when his body decided it must move and he pulled himself away.

It made her throat thick to think of him growing up. Not needing her in this way anymore. But there simply was not an option to pause his life so that she might grow used to the idea of his childhood slipping through her fingers.

Oh, for the day when this little bit of bliss was eternal. When every beautiful moment she had ever known would be captured forever, and time would no longer be her demanding enemy.

He pulled away. Ran down the hall shouting gleefully with the carefree nature of youth.  She watched him go with a lingering pain in her being. But she was also thankful. For his life. For his health, his growth, and his changing mind and being. As much as it hurt to say goodbye to the sweet moments of her baby’s life, she knew sweet moments – different moments – would follow in the days to come.

For it was the way of this life.